


as loud as lightning

by stickmarionette



Series: you ain't never had a friend like me [2]
Category: Freestyle Love Supreme, Hamilton - Miranda (Broadway Cast) RPF, In the Heights - Miranda (Broadway Cast) RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Pacific Rim Fusion, Cliffhangers, Complicated Relationships, Drift Compatibility, F/M, Intrigue, M/M, Meet-Cute, Multi, Pining, Polyamory, Recovery, Relationship Negotiation, Slow Burn, Team as Family, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Worldbuilding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-21
Updated: 2017-07-07
Packaged: 2018-10-22 04:07:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 33,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10689435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stickmarionette/pseuds/stickmarionette
Summary: Back at the Academy they'd gotten lectures on maintaining separate lives alongside your co-pilot and he'd never really paid attention because it was painfully irrelevant, and besides, how hard could it be? He couldn't imagine wanting that much of someone.Early 20s Tommy was kind of a moron. In his defence, he'd been going through some stuff. And he had no idea what it would actually be like. Couldn't describe it to another person if he tried now.Everything has a beginning and an end.





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to shihadchick for beta-reading and encouragement. I love Pacific Rim, and I love these people. I hope you enjoy the results. 
> 
> This fic makes more sense if you read [Louder Than Words](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7675348) first.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which everything goes to hell in a hand basket.

 

> [Excerpt from recorded interview with Knight Errant Pilot 02
> 
> Investigative Panel on the Seattle Incident]
> 
>  
> 
> I: Thank your for your service.
> 
> TK: You're welcome.
> 
> I: Please state your name for the record.
> 
> TK: Thomas Kail, Ranger. Co-Pilot of Knight Errant.
> 
> I: Mr Kail. Can you tell us what you remember?
> 
> TK: Yes. I was the one who convinced Lin to go for it.
> 
> I: Are you sure?
> 
> TK: I'm not that suggestible.
> 
> I: He tends to be very persuasive. We have the numbers to prove it.
> 
> TK: [laughter] No. I wish it wasn't my idea. I'd feel better that way. You've got the Black Box recording, see for yourself.
> 
> I: Do you feel responsible for what happened to him?
> 
> TK: ...obviously.

 

The week before they'd been at a party thrown by some of the Project Archimedes techs. Tommy hadn't wanted to go - the techs were a lot in their secretive little groups, and even worse when thrown together - but Daveed had given him the eyebrows.

"C'mon, half the Icebox's losing their jobs. You're not gonna see some of these fuckers ever again."

"You promise?" Tommy said automatically, and then felt like an asshole. "Sorry. I don't mean that."

Maybe all the _you're no fun now, Kail, what happened_ was getting to him a bit. Tommy was plenty of fun, thank you very much. The adrenaline/boredom seesaw of being a Ranger just didn't leave a whole lot of time or energy for partying.

Daveed shrugged. "Turn up and tell them how you feel in the time honored tradition."

"Getting shit-faced."

"If you're still standing up straight by the end of the night, we'll know you aren't really sad to see 'em go," Daveed agreed.

Tommy made a great show of looking around. "Funny, this doesn't look like my college campus…"

"You should go. I'm DJing," Lin said from behind him, five seconds before his arms went around Tommy.

"Oof. Hello, stranger."

"Fancy meeting you here." Lin said, muffled into Tommy's hair. Then he lifted his head and Tommy would bet good money that he'd be looking at Daveed like he hung the moon. "Diggs. Hey."

"That's the best news I've heard all day. Thought we were gonna have Bill DJing, and I know you love that motherfucker but he's dead inside. How's New York? You raise enough to save everyone's jobs yet?"

Daveed had been Tommy's friend first from his Mission Control stint, but he'd gone to a conference in Miami with Lin a year ago and after that they'd leapt straight to exchanging mixtapes and speaking in code and calling each other unicorns. These days, their interactions were kind of incomprehensible half the time, even for Tommy.

Lin giggled into Tommy's shoulder. "What did you think I was doing, some Indecent Proposal shit? Although, I mean, that was only a million bucks."

"Only?" Tommy mouthed at Daveed, raising his eyebrows.

"I heard that," Lin said. "The fundraisers went great, all the TV shit went great. Then I hear Central Command's going to cut our budget even more. So. You know."

Daveed shook his head. "Fuck. You think they're really gonna go for this crazy wall idea?"

It was the first time Tommy had heard anyone say the words out loud. He'd heard them in Lin's head, because Lin was a terrible gossip, but he'd dismissed the idea as so transparently idiotic that no one would ever go for it.

He waited for Lin to laugh it off.

"Gonna be a hell of a party," Lin said softly. Whatever expression was on his face made Daveed's eyes widen.

"Like the man said. You coming, Kail?"

 

*

 

Lin must've been in a particularly good mood; at Tommy's last count, he'd played at least four Outkast songs.

The last strains of Hey Ya faded away, everyone cheered loud enough to shake the metal rafters, and Lin jumped on the nearest table, somehow managing not to spill his drink along the way.

"Hello hello hello! Can I just thank you all for turning up? Are we having fun?" A few lazy cheers. Lin rolled his eyes. "Pathetic. Is that all you've got? Come on! Tonight we feast, for tomorrow we die."

He toasted the big loud analogue countdown clock high up on the wall and chugged the entire glass of horrible mystery liquor. This time the cheers were significantly louder, because the techs were precisely that type of crowd.

"You're such a downer," Javier said, in a much different tone than what Tommy would've used. Almost indulgent.

Lin picked up on the affection in it like a bloodhound. He grinned, entirely unrepentant. "What? Isn't that how we do it?"

"Get off the table! Or are you gonna do something better than talk?" Rafa called out, because Rafa was terrible.

Tommy groaned. "Please don't encourage him."

"And take your shirt off!" Someone behind Tommy yelled.

Lin almost bent in half cackling. "Who said that? Get up here."

(The adrenaline/boredom seesaw had a very different effect on Lin. He just became...more Lin.) 

 

> [Archival footage shot for PPDC Enlistment campaign Key to Victory
> 
> Ask A Ranger Series: Tommy Kail, Knight Errant, USA]
> 
>  
> 
> _Here's a question submitted by someone named Jaegermeister - real funny, dude - let's see…"What's it like to work with Lin?"_
> 
> _Well, Jaegermeister, first of all, I'd like to congratulate my co-pilot for becoming a first name only kind of guy. Never thought I'd be sharing brainwaves with someone that famous. Better him than, I don't know, Kanye. And I guess I just answered your question. Hey, Lin, your ego is smaller than Kanye's._
> 
> _[LMM, off camera] C'mon, you're not even trying._
> 
> _You're trying. [pause] That's true. He is. It's a constant trial. I don't know how I stand it._

 

The morning after the party, Tommy woke up with a pounding headache, an awful sour taste in his mouth and Lin curled up very small next to him, his own little island in Tommy's ocean. Used to be almost a daily thing, this - he got good at sleeping through Lin's constant muttering, fought him for the blankets in the middle of the night, and woke up in the mornings to Lin staring at him like he was a mirage that might evaporate if Lin so much as blinked.

Even though commissioned Rangers had their own quarters, Lin's sat empty for years until he started seriously dating Vanessa and finally moved his stuff out. He still slept at Tommy's occasionally when it was more convenient, but his keyboard was no longer permanently in the way, the posters and moleskines were gone and sometimes Tommy's room felt like a cavern. Like the walls would echo if he spoke out loud.

_Okay, no._

Tommy mentally slapped himself for being maudlin and ridiculous. Must be the hangover.

Back at the Academy they'd gotten lectures on maintaining separate lives alongside your co-pilot and he'd never really paid attention because it was painfully irrelevant, and besides, how hard could it be? He couldn't imagine wanting that much of someone.

Early 20s Tommy was kind of a moron. In his defence, he'd been going through some stuff. And he had no idea what it would actually be like. Couldn't describe it to another person if he tried now.

_Just fucking enjoy a good thing for once, you miserable bastard._

Exactly a week later, they got called out to Seattle.

 

**Excerpt from Draft Report by the Investigative Panel into the Seattle Incident**

_The Seattle Incident began with simultaneous attacks on the Gulf of Alaska and Seattle by two separate waves of Kaiju. The execution of the attacks tended to confirm a high degree of tactical intelligence and coordination among Kaiju (first posited by Drs Diggs & Casal of the Anchorage Study Group a year ago). _

_ Wave 1 _

_On duty personnel at Anchorage Shatterdome Mission Control tracked Kaiju number 1 (Hidoi) as it headed towards Kodiak and deployed the Jaegers Chrome Brutus and Horizon Brave to intercept._

_Due to a combination of under-resourcing and instrument error, Kaiju number 2 (Tentalus) was able to remain undetected by emerging in the trail of Hidoi and make landfall in the mouth of Seattle with almost no advance warning._

_Under tremendous pressure, Anchorage Mission Control ordered its only other fully operational Jaeger Knight Errant away from Anchorage to defend Seattle._

_(For our findings on resourcing issues at Anchorage/Los Angeles and Jaeger repair times, see Appendix C.)_

_By the time Knight Errant was able to reach Elliott Bay, Tentalus was already inside the city, and less than 10 percent of the civilian population had been successfully evacuated. With Mammoth Apostle down for repairs and Romeo Blue suffering launch problems in Los Angeles, Knight Errant was tasked with defending Seattle alone for the next half hour._

 

> [Excerpt from recorded interview with Knight Errant Pilot 02
> 
> Investigative Panel on the Seattle Incident]
> 
>  
> 
> I: You did well to take out Tentalus so quickly.
> 
> TK: Thanks. We had to.
> 
> I: Not necessarily true. Anchorage Control could've told you to draw Tentalus away from the city and waited til backup got there for a full-on attack.
> 
> TK: How long were we supposed to leave a Cat 3 rampaging through downtown of a populated city? You know the numbers. You tell me.
> 
> I: I assume that was rhetorical.
> 
> TK: Not at all. Around 800,000 people, wasn't it? I don't remember exactly.
> 
> I: Around that, yes. Let's move on.
> 
> TK: Sure.
> 
> I: You did manage to take out Tentalus, but not without suffering extensive damage. At that point reinforcements were well on their way. Why engage Biantal when it showed up?
> 
> TK: We didn't have the all clear from Civilian Defence. Didn't have help. If we ran away Biantal would've gone for the city.
> 
> I: Do you stand by your decision, if it was your decision -
> 
> TK: It was. I just - I thought we could do it. At least fight it to a standstill until reinforcements got there.

 

 

**KNIGHT ERRANT CONN-POD BLACK BOX AUDIO FEED**

**SEATTLE DEPLOYMENT**

**PILOTS LMM/TK**

 

00:00

LMM: "We've got visual. [whistles] Motherfucker, that's a big one. Control, permission to engage?"

Control: "Granted. Good luck."

LMM: "Aw, thanks. I don't need luck. I've got Tommy."

TK: "Ha! More killing, less sap. Let's go."

Control: "Commencing air drop."

 

00:10

Control: "Knight Errant, heads up."

[static / Kaiju screeching / engine noise]

TK: "Little busy here, Control."

Control: "About to get busier. You've got another incoming. Cat 3, one of the biggest we've ever seen. Designation Biantal. ETA maybe 5 minutes."

TK: "Fuck. Where's the cavalry?"

Control: "At least 15 minutes away. You're on your own til then."

LMM: "Not a problem. Let's finish up with our friend here fast."

[metallic shriek / Kaiju screeching]

 

00:12

[metallic shriek / screaming]

Knight Errant AI [pilot designation GLaDOS]: _Alert. Left sting blade lost._ _Left arm mobility at 50%._

TK: "So glad we have you to tell us these things."

LMM: "Forget the sting blade. Let's use something else."

TK: "No....You think?"

LMM: "Yeah! Pin that fucker."

TK: "Got it. Firing up Plasmacaster."

 

00:13

[Kaiju screeching / maniacal laughter]

Control: "Knight Errant, is that the Space Needle? Are you attacking Tentalus with the Space Needle?"

LMM: "Just a little bit! It was already broken!"

Knight Errant AI: _Research has shown that Kaiju are drawn to destroying landmarks_.

TK: "Real useful, GLaDOS. I'm going to reprogram you when this is over."

 

00:14

[Plasmacaster discharge / collapsing debris]

LMM: "Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepa!"

TK: "Scanning Tentalus for life signs."

Knight Errant AI: _No life signs detected._

Control: "Good work, Knight Errant. Kaiju designated Biantal inbound in - "

LMM: "We see it, Control."

TK: "Holy shit, that's huge."

LMM: "We have to stop it getting into the city."

Control #2: "You're showing a lot of damage, Knight Errant."

LMM: "Yeah, we know. [pause] Still no all-clear. They're not evacuating people fast enough."

TK: "We can make it."

LMM: "You think?"

TK: "Yeah, 'course we can."

LMM: "Okay. Let's do it."

Control: "Romeo Blue ETA is 10 minutes. We don't recommend direct engagement with Biantal in your condition."

LMM: "We've got this, Control."

[engine noise / metallic shrieking]

 

00:20

[plasmacaster discharge / roaring]

Knight Errant AI: _Plasmacaster clip empty._

LMM: "I can see that! Okay, let's - where'd it go?"

TK: "Negative on our scopes. Control?"

Control: "7'o clock! Watch out!"

[screeching / metallic shrieking / static]

 

00:21

TK: "Fucking. Hell. Okay, we've got a breather. Damage report."

Knight Errant AI: _Plasmacaster detached. Mobility down 40%. Engine function 50%._

LMM: "Ah, well. Clip was empty anyway."

TK: "What's next?"

LMM: "You get out of here."

TK: "What? Lin - "

LMM: "GLaDOS, override RESPIRA. Eject right harness."

TK: "What are you - "

LMM: "Saving your ass, dummy."

[static]

 

> [Archival footage from PPDC Fundraising campaign Protect Our Planet
> 
> Live Video Chat with Lin-Manuel Miranda]
> 
> _What's that? Hang on, lemme scroll back. BrightKnight says "you were great on the The Late Show" - thanks! It was so much fun - and wants me to bring Tommy along next time. Just for you, BrightKnight, I'm gonna make it happen, even if I have to carry him there myself._
> 
> _Coyote Salsa - [laughter] - sorry, that's just - Coyote Salsa asks "is all the fundraising media stuff a bonus or a drag?" Being on TV's pretty cool. Trust me, it's not a trial._
> 
> _Lemme get real for a sec. Our job is to protect the planet. We all take that job pretty damn seriously. For some of us that means late nights elbow deep in Jaeger parts. Some of us spend days at a time squinting at readout data._
> 
> _We're different people and we work differently, but we're also alike. We've all trained for years to be able to do this. We want the same thing, which is to save as many people as we can. Whatever helps do that, I'm 100% on board for._

 

Tommy came to with blood in his mouth and the certainty that something awful had happened. Then he remembered Biantal ripping Knight Errant's Plasmacaster clean off and being tossed like a rag doll and the last overwhelming thought in the Drift, bright and clear, before Lin threw him out -

_I can't let you die._

He tried to sit up; none of his limbs worked and he nearly ripped an IV out.

"Whoa, settle!"

Alex was sitting slumped beside the hospital bed with bloodshot and red-rimmed eyes, looking more rumpled than Tommy had ever seen him.

"Don't - don't try to move. You've got a cracked rib. I'm calling the doctor." He made to get up.

"No! Wait. Where's Lin? Is he - "

Tommy choked on the words. He couldn't even say it, let alone imagine it.

_My fault. I suggested we keep going._

Alex froze. His entire face seemed to wobble. "Next door. He's not dead. Somehow."

Tommy's next breath came a little easier. "How is he? What happened?"

"Lotta injuries. But. Stable," Alex muttered. "And I hope he stays that way so I can yell at him a lot. He - I can't believe I'm saying this. He killed Biantal."

For anyone else it would be absurd. Unbelievable. "How?"

"By doing something insane and suicidal. Like I said, I'm gonna yell at him a lot."

In other words, exactly the kind of thing Tommy was meant to stop him doing. And what did he do instead?

Tommy slumped back, aches and pains suddenly erupting all over his body. "Can I see him?"

Alex winced. "Not yet. They can't see you, either."

There was an odd note in his voice. Alex didn't have a deceptive bone in his body, or so Tommy would have said up until this very moment, but -

"What?"

Alex inclined his head at the door. "Investigators. They want to talk to you. Renee's stalling them but she's in trouble too."

"What on earth for?" Tommy said, bewildered.

"For telling you to engage. Tommy, you need to know what happened. Knight Errant, it's - "

Tommy's heart sank. "How bad?"

Alex shook his head and wiped angrily at his eyes. "Here, see for yourself. It's all over TV."

 

> _What you're now seeing is the city of Seattle in the aftermath of the battle. Despite the extensive property damage we are expecting a relatively small number of casualties._
> 
> _From what we've been able to piece together, the first of the two Category 3 Kaiju made landfall within a few minutes of being detected, with evacuations still underway. Due to as yet unspecified problems at the Los Angeles Shatterdome, they were not able to dispatch help straightaway. Despite being under ferocious attack, the Anchorage Shatterdome ordered Knight Errant, piloted by Lin-Manuel Miranda and Tommy Kail, to defend Seattle._
> 
> _Miranda and Kail managed to fight off both Kaiju but at great cost. That green and black wreck you're seeing now is all that remains of Knight Errant._
> 
> _Kail is in hospital with minor injuries. Miranda was inside the Jaeger when it exploded. We're being told that he had to be cut out of the wreckage, and we have no information on his condition at present._
> 
> _This is Gabrielle Ruiz, reporting live from Seattle._

 

Tommy still thought maybe Vanessa should've punched him. There was definitely a moment when he could see it in her eyes, when he was talking too fast, trying to get through his explanation of what had happened before he had to leave the room to throw up or something.

Finally, she'd swallowed hard and squared her shoulders and thanked him for helping get Lin back in one piece.

All things considered, it felt way worse than being punched.

"I'm sorry," he'd said, finally, after running out of the other words. Tried hard not to look at Lin in the hospital bed, frighteningly small and pale and plugged into an array of beeping machines. They'd taken the oxygen mask off, which helped a little, but not enough.

Vanessa stared at him for what felt like an hour before nodding. "It wasn't your fault. He's alive, isn't he?"

"Soon to be kicking, I hope," Lin croaked from the bed, making them both jump.

"Hey. How're you feeling?" Vanessa said, in the softest tone he'd ever heard out of her.

"Like I got blown up," Lin murmured, still in that wreck of a voice. He managed a wan smile. "All the bits _seem_ intact…"

"You want some water? I'll get you some water," Tommy said quickly. He tried not to back out too fast, because even as courage deserted him, he was not yet totally bereft of dignity, but of course that was a fatal mistake. Vanessa and Lin both went for his arm; Lin couldn't quite manage it but she could. "Stay."

"If Lin's going to deign to actually be awake the doctors should look at him," Tommy tried.

Lin got out a few proper cackles before he cut off with a pained grimace. "Fuuuuuuuuuuck. Don't - you can't make me laugh right now."

Which made Tommy felt both better and worse - a truly novel experience. "Sorry."

"Stop apologising," Vanessa said.

To Tommy she sounded perfectly normal (too normal), but something about it made Lin's eyes narrow even through his pained haze, and he looked from her to Tommy, frowning. "Brrrrr, is it cold in here?"

Vanessa's phone beeped and she frowned down at the screen. It took her a moment to school her expression, but she managed and the smile she turned on Lin was warm. "I have to take care of this. You rest. I'll be right back."

She bent and kissed his forehead; he beamed up at her like a sunflower turning toward the sun.

Tommy could barely imagine a fate worse than being left alone with Lin right now. Vanessa's presence was the only thing that made it possible for him to retain any semblance of sense and composure. If she left he'd either punch Lin, which was a terrible idea given his condition, or - or probably fall on his knees and beg forgiveness, and he was pretty sure nobody wanted to see that.

He made to get up again and Vanessa's hand landed on his shoulder.

"Please make sure he stays down." She dug in with her nails hard enough to bruise before letting go and swanning out, leaving Tommy to his fate.

"Suddenly everyone's so eager to get out of here. What, have I got really unfortunate facial scarring?" Lin demanded. "Just tell me. I could make it work."

Tommy surprised himself by laughing. It sounded hideous, but he at least felt capable of conversation after. "It's because you're not well enough to yell at yet. Just wait."

"I don't know what you're talking about. I feel great," Lin said, with enough of his usual determined good cheer that Tommy almost believed him.

"That's because you're on pain meds."

"Is that what that is? I can still feel all my limbs." Lin made a show of flexing his fingers and toes, like he hadn't checked as soon as he woke up. "I'm gonna regret that soon, aren't I."

Tommy pulled his chair up closer to the bed. Fussed with Lin's blankets. Told himself to stop being such a fucking coward. "Do you - Do you remember what happened?"

If he hadn't been watching for it, he wouldn't have seen the very brief wrinkle between Lin's brows, right before he covered it with a grin. "How could I not? We stabbed a Kaiju with a bit of the Space Needle."

"We did do that. And then you ditched me."

"I wanted you to live," Lin said, entirely matter-of-fact. "Worked out, didn't it?"

Tommy reminded himself that Lin was too injured and high to yell at. "Lac is really mad at you."

For the first time, Lin's gaze flickered away, down at his bandaged torso. "I'm sorry he had to see that."

Tommy snorted. "Pretty sure that's not what he's mad about. You nearly died."

"But I didn't," Lin said patiently. "And we saved a lot of people. So I'm fine with it, and I'm gonna need you to stop beating yourself up over nothing."

Tommy flinched. "I'm sorry."

"I don't forgive you," Lin said softly. He picked up Tommy's hand in his own with an effort and pressed a kiss against the center of his palm. "There's nothing to forgive."

Warmth spread from that single point of contact to the rest of Tommy's body. He felt weirdly light-headed, and full, and ravenously hungry all at the same time.

_Oh fuck. I'm in love with him._

It didn't feel like a revelation. Just felt true.

Vanessa's raised voice at the door was the only thing that saved him from spontaneously combusting on the spot from how _goddamn slow on the uptake_ he'd been.

"No, he's not talking to you. Not until he's ready. With all due respect, sir, I know the rules. I wrote them. Goodbye."

Tommy snatched his hand back like it was on fire as she strode back in. "Everything okay?"

"Fine," she said calmly, with no hint of her earlier agitation. "Lin, is it okay if the doctors come in?"

"Yeah, sure. You sticking around?"

She looked at him like he'd grown another head. "Of course. They don't want us underfoot, so I'll just wait outside for a bit. Not going anywhere."

"It's a date!" Lin grinned.

Tommy somehow managed to get up without wobbling. He felt all out of kilter still, and weirdly naked; as if somehow Lin would _know_ as soon as he looked Tommy in the eye. "I better go too. I'll tell everyone you're okay. They're all killing themselves fretting."

"Take care of yourself. Don't think I didn't see those bandages," Lin said sternly.

"I will, don't worry."

He thought he'd gotten away with it for about thirty seconds; Vanessa turned to him with raised eyebrows as soon as she'd ushered the army of doctors into the medbay and saw the door close behind them.

"Don't run away yet. I know that look."

Tommy froze. "What look?"

"That pole-axed, goddamn it, denial was so much fun look," Vanessa's smile was a little wintry. "I've seen it in the mirror."

Vanessa was technically a civilian, but she was also by all accounts a stone-cold genius. If she wanted to she could probably squash him like a bug.

It took him a moment to string together enough words to express his horror. "I'm not - Vanessa, please. I'd never. You have to know that."

A complicated series of emotions flashed across her face. "I just can't believe this is news to you," she finally said, almost gently.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a lovely anon who has messaged me on Tumblr many times about the first fic in this series. Dear anon, I hope you like this one too.
> 
> Chapter 2 is finished, and I'm going to try to keep posting them with one in reserve, so hopefully it won't take me too long to get a draft of 3 done.
> 
>   1. Bill is Lin's irl uni bff Bill Sherman, also featured in the first fic. Javi here is of course Javier Muñoz and Rafa is Rafael Casal.
>   2. As with Louder Than Words, Pacific Rim canon has been taken from the movie, the comics and the Wiki.
>   3. [I didn't make up that GLaDOS thing](https://www.kotaku.com.au/2013/07/how-glad0s-is-glad0s-in-pacific-rim-pretty-glad0s/).
> 



	2. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we go back to the start.
> 
> Unless otherwise stated, "Anthony" here is Anthony Veneziale of Freestyle Love Supreme, who also featured prominently in Louder Than Words.

 

> [Excerpt from GQ cover feature: Lin-Manuel Miranda on Jaegers, fear and being a PPDC poster boy]
> 
> **This is a terribly cliched question, but you're the best person to ask, so: what's the Drift really like?**
> 
> It doesn't have to be intimate. That's probably the biggest misconception - even our students think that it's always some soulmate shit, and guys, you know some of the best out there are sibling pairs and parent-child pairs. Ha, your face right now, that's the reaction I get when I say that at the Academy. Blood relation pairs are way more common, actually. There's just less crap to get through with family. That's the trick, at least for me - drop your baggage at the door and find where you fit into each other and _don't let go_.
> 
> What's it like? Think of the person who understands you the most. Someone who's just on. Your. Level. Like, you can catch their eye and immediately both of you know what the joke is. Drift state is that, dialed up to the max. You're just...open. And you're controlling a giant badass cannon-wielding machine.
> 
> **That sounds a little bit terrifying.**
> 
> No, it's great. You just gotta want the same thing.

 

**[3 years ago]**

 

Tommy's last girlfriend, who'd worked in J-Tech and therefore saw him a lot during the day, had dumped him after a month.

"You're married to your work," she'd said by way of explanation, which stung. He'd never imagined himself as the kind of dude who got that particular review.

For some odd reason, Karen laughed at him when he finally managed to spill all this after an incredibly ill-advised number of drinks. "That's...not what she meant. You realise that, don't you, smart guy?"

"No? How else am I meant to be interpreting it?" Tommy asked cautiously, in case she wasn't just giving him shit.

Karen eyed him with frankly uncalled-for skepticism. "You know what? Forget it. Me and my big mouth."

Hell, if anyone was married to their work, it was Lin. Not that it stopped him from treating sex like it was just another form of sparring - educational and fun for everyone. He didn't really seem to date, but Tommy couldn't tell whether that was deliberate or simply a function of not having enough hours in the day.

Then Vanessa came to the Icebox.

 

*

 

It was one of those bullshit glamor events thrown by the PR department so the rich and powerful who were pouring money into the PPDC to cover the public funding gap could feel good about what they were doing. Your obscene wealth at work, and all that.

Better catering than they ever got for any internal events: good. The vague suspicion that they were letting people pay for the privilege of touching real Jaeger pilots: not so good. That made Tommy feel like his skin didn't fit right. At least some of the Kodiak crew would be there too. That made up for some of it.

Lin stopped right outside the reception hall, turned to Tommy and started fiddling with his tie without so much as a word.

"We're in the way," Tommy said quietly. Lin was redoing the knot with the same intensity and delicacy of touch he devoted to Conn-Pod wiring, excess energy ruthlessly suppressed and focused, and it felt dangerous to do anything but hold utterly still at the feather-light brush of his fingers.

He could all but feel the jitters under Lin's skin. Not nerves, though, not in his case.

Before Lin came along all the pilots at the Icebox treated the Ranger seat on the Steering Committee as if it were a hot potato that was also rotten, something to be eagerly passed on to the next in line. Lin seemed to thrive on it and came back from every meeting like he'd just had a shot of adrenaline. He was probably the Committee's favorite too, come to think of it. Charismatic showman types were few and far between among Jaeger pilots.

"Done. That's better," Lin said. He patted the redone knot and apparently that was some sort of signal for Tommy to start breathing again.

He had to swallow hard to make his voice work. "I'll take your word for it."

Lin looked him over with a critical little frown and beamed, satisfied with his handiwork. He offered Tommy his arm. "Let's go."

Karen was already inside, nursing her drink in a corner like a glorious, moody swan among a herd of ducks, Bill lurking around her looking equally out of place with his day old scruff and look of studious boredom.

"Hey, Kail. Lin-Manuel."

"Karen! You came!" Lin exclaimed, enveloping her in a bear hug while Karen squeaked and laughed and finally hugged back. He emerged still attached to her and grinned hard at Bill. "Billy."

"What, don't I get a hug?" Bill grumbled.

Lin's mouth twitched. "I see you every other day. You hate hugs."

"No, I don't. I just can't admit to enjoying things. Kail relates."

Karen snickered and although Lin bit his lip to stifle his own laughter, he didn't quite succeed, all of which was frankly uncalled for.

"That's not true. I enjoy things," Tommy said indignantly. Then he looked around and added, "just not this specific thing."

"Can't blame you," Karen said. She took a large gulp of her expensive champagne. "Why are we all here, anyway? All they need is for Lin to talk to people really close and smile at them. I bet CentCom loves you."

"It's a skill. Just like circuit design," Lin said. Lightly, like he was just showboating, but Tommy could tell he actually meant it.

Bill shrugged. "Hey, whatever works. I want to still have a job this time next year."

"As long as I got a job, you got a job," Lin replied without missing a beat, like the giant nerd he was. He glanced at Tommy to make sure he'd clocked the reference and grinned at Tommy's exaggerated eyeroll.

At least he'd been paying attention. Bill wasn't really listening, too busy scanning the over-dressed crowd with narrowed eyes. Having found what he was after, he nudged Lin with all the subtlety of a Jaeger landing.

"Hey, isn't that - "

In contrast, Lin managed to use both his peripheral vision and his inside voice. "No."

"Didn't you - "

"No."

Bill held his hands up. "Hey, I just really miss living vicariously through your relationship drama."

"No, you don't."

Lin said it with a smile, but with a warning behind it too. As emotionally obtuse as he pretended to be, Bill managed to catch that one just fine. He sighed. "Fine, be dumb. Don't listen to me."

"With your record? Yeah, I wouldn't either," Karen drawled.

"I'm wounded, wounded that you would say that about me. I'm friends with all my exes."

"Somehow, that doesn't inspire a great deal of confidence," Tommy said wryly.

Bill clutched his chest. "Why do I even hang out with you people? Where's Lac, he's nice to me."

Tommy snorted. "Lac's nice to everyone. It's in his bones. If he weren't on leave, he'd be here. _That's_ how nice he is."

"Yeah, but I give better advice. I bet you he always tells you to just wait and it'll all work out," Bill said balefully, nudging Lin.

Lin cackled. "Yep. That's Lac, all right. He's wonderful that way."

"Typical."

"It's good advice," Lin shrugged. "I'm saving myself for true love."

He delivered it as if waiting for a punchline and Tommy couldn't resist. "What exactly are you still saving?"

"You would say that," Lin replied. He was smiling still but he'd scraped the words clean of inflection and Tommy had no idea what that was supposed to mean.

Bill looked between the two of them and then skyward in mock despair. "As much fun as this is, I'm going to go see if there's a world where food exists."

"Bring me something nice," Lin said in his best sweet cajoling voice, and put on the smile to match.

For some reason, that made Bill back away with a look of borderline terror. "Cut it out. Save that shit for the VIPs!"

"He really can't deal when you do that," Karen marvelled at his retreating back.

"Nope. We were roomies for that long. How do you think I got him to do anything?"

"Classical conditioning. I like it," said a bright voice from beside Tommy. He turned to find a pretty young woman in a dramatic yellow cocktail dress, smiling at Lin. "Excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt. We never got to speak after the meeting."

Lin lit up like someone had flipped a switch. "Vanessa! I'm honored. This is Karen, instructor over at Kodiak, and Tommy, my co-pilot. Kids, this is Vanessa Nadal, Policy Advisor on the Steering Committee."

It took Tommy a moment to place where he'd seen her before. As with most of the disconcertingly familiar-looking people he encountered, the answer was the Drift.

In Lin's mind she was even more radiant.

"Nice to meet you," Tommy said, just as Karen burst out with, "awesome. If they keep hiring people like you and replace all the dickheads, that Committee might actually be worth something."

Fortunately Vanessa just threw her head back and laughed. "Shhh. We mustn't let them know what we're planning."

"C'mon, Karen, first rule of Fight Club," Lin agreed. "Takeovers don't work if you let 'em know beforehand."

"Exactly. Speaking of which, you were fantastic at the meeting," Vanessa said, and Lin preened.

He caught himself at it quickly, though, and went a little more sober. "Thank you. I prepare."

She nodded. "It shows. But that's not all I meant. You listen, and not just to the senior members."

"I can read a room. Why the Steering Committee? What happened to K-Science?"

Vanessa looked briefly taken aback. "Got bored. I'm surprised you remember me from the K-Science internship. That was ages ago."

"Of course I remember," Lin said very seriously. "You were the one who came up with the triangulation theory."

"I did! Not that anyone believed me at the time."

It was as if Tommy was invisible. Which was a novelty but not one he particularly enjoyed. He glanced across at Karen to find her watching them with barely concealed delight.

"You're from Washington Heights?" Lin was saying. "My parents live in Inwood. Spent half my childhood there. Took piano lessons on 181st Street."

"Let me guess, other half up here? I pegged you for a PPDC kid."

Lin looked like all his birthdays had come at once. "You've been checking up on me. Yeah. Preparatory and Academy. Summers in PR, when I could."

"DR, for me. Parents sent me every year."

"And you always felt just a little bit out of place everywhere," Lin said softly. "But that's then. Look at us now. Two kids from the Heights, fighting the hurricane."

Odd characterisation of her work, Tommy thought, but she seemed to understand just fine.

"What are you going to do when the hurricane's done?"

Lin beamed. "Now you're just testing me. There's always another hurricane."

Tommy felt a dull pain in his side and only barely managed to suppress a complaint when he saw the source. Karen had somehow appeared next to him and was nudging him none-too-gently with her elbow.

"Hey, Kail. I need a refill. You wanna come with?"

He could take a hint. "Oh, yeah, sure."

The rest of the evening was a bit like watching a rom-com meet cute happen in real time, especially when Lin stole a half tray of food from a passing waiter and slipped outside with it, followed by Vanessa banishing a bottle of champagne.

"Well, that's happening," Karen said.

"Looks like."

Karen narrowed her eyes at him. When he just stared back, confused, she threw up her hands, exclaimed, "oh my God, you are such a moron," and stalked away still muttering.

 

*

 

Tommy didn't see Lin again until the next morning, doing his usual polar opposite of a walk of shame.

"Thanks for ditching us. Hope you guys had more fun than we did."

"Unless you went and fought Kaiju without me, I'm pretty sure I win," Lin said cheerfully. "Wait, I think I win even if you did."

Tommy raised his eyebrows. "Wow."

"Yep. We talked a lot and danced salsa and watched 90s rap videos on her laptop. It was really amazing," Lin said dreamily. "We got each other. Just like that."

Beyond the wild happiness, he sounded almost shaken.

"Huh."

"What?"

"I've never seen you like this."

Lin stared at Tommy for a long, impenetrable moment. "No, I guess not."

 

**[present day]**

 

Fitness rehab with Steph Klemons was murder but Tommy was glad for it. It kept him too tired to torment himself dreading the inevitability of his demise at Vanessa's hands.

(Probably not hands. She'd use some sort of weapon, maybe a baseball bat. It'd be gruesome for sure.)

When she showed up at training looking for him a few days in, it threw him so badly that Steph almost hit him in the head. He caught the blow with his staff just in time, but the flow of the routine was ruined and Steph knew it.

"Jesus, Tommy! I could've killed you."

Steph was really no less of a terror than Fightmaster Andy. She just made it seem nicer.

"Sorry, my focus slipped," Tommy said sheepishly. "Can we take a break?"

Steph eyed him sidelong. "Yeah, you've had enough. We're done for today."

"But - "

"Don't overtax yourself too early," she said firmly. "One Lin-Manuel is bad enough. Right, Vanessa?"

Vanessa laughed. "One's occasionally too much to handle. Ask Tommy."

Maybe she did it for his deer-in-headlights face, which had to really be something judging by Steph's startled reaction.

"Sometimes I can feel myself aging," he finally managed, in something like his normal deadpan.

"You rub your forehead a lot," Vanessa said cheerfully. "Hey, Klemons. I gotta go to New York now but we should catch up when I get back."

"Sure, lemme know," Steph agreed. She then danced out of the room suspiciously fast and left him to Vanessa's tender mercies.

"Checking up on me?"

"Wanted to see how you were doing," she nodded.

"Better. Thank you for asking. You're leaving?"

She heaved a long sigh and for a brief moment he could see frustration etched on her face and in the tense set of her shoulders, and then the usual calm mask snapped back on. "CentCom's going nuts over Seattle, so I have to go report. Hopefully it won't take too long. Keep an eye on Lin for me while I'm away, okay?"

That kind of stung. "You don't have to ask."

"I know. I just didn't want you to be weird about it."

She didn't want _him_ to be weird about it?

"Vanessa - "

"Relax. We really don't have to talk about this," she said, in a tone that made it clear what she really meant was _I don't want to discuss it_. Tommy knew it well, mainly from abusing it himself, and he was extremely goddamn grateful that she'd saved him what would surely have been one of the most excruciating conversations of his short life.

They were like-minded in more ways than one, and thankfully for Tommy one of those ways was not feeling the need to talk it out. Although never being able to look Lin in the eye again was going to make _their_ working relationship incredibly awkward from now on.

Luckily Lin was resting the next time he visited. Tommy settled down to wait, somehow fell asleep in a chair and opened his eyes to Lin trying to laugh at him quietly.

"What?"

He refused to find Lin stifling giggles with his fist cute. Lin was an adult. An adult who was still laughing at him.

"You were frowning. I've never seen someone look so stressed asleep," Lin said, once he managed to calm down. He smiled in the particular way that meant he was about to get away with being a shit by turning the charm up to 100 and all that happened was Tommy's heart threatening to beat out of his chest a little bit.

His life would be a lot simpler if that were a totally new thing. But it wasn't, and he was a grown adult. He could fucking deal.

"That's all on you, you realise," Tommy said. He didn't sound like a lovesick moron, which surely counted as a victory.

"I know. Your life is suffering," Lin agreed. "How's rehab?"

 

*

 

Half an hour in, the door opened a crack and Alex stuck his head in.

"Oh! Sorry, I didn't realize Tommy was here. I'll come back."

"Don't you dare," Lin said. "I was starting to think you were avoiding me."

"I was avoiding you," Alex muttered, but he came in anyway and sat down at the foot of Lin's bed. "Didn't know what I'd say."

Lin's eyes went wide; he couldn't have looked more stricken if Alex had slapped him. He lunged forward unsteadily, almost managed to knock the IV stand over and grabbed Alex's arm. "Lac, please. I'm sorry I wrecked your baby."

An unwilling smile crept up and took over Alex's face. "You really think I was mad about that? I'm not. Jaegers are just machines. That's not how I see my job."

"Then - "

"My job is making sure you aren't gonna die when _you blow yourself up_ ," Alex bit out. His eyes were suspiciously red-rimmed again.

Lin ducked his head. "I'm sorry," he murmured eventually, almost too soft to hear.

"Are you?"

"For making you watch that? Yeah."

"That's not…" Alex sighed. Then he turned to Tommy with such rare ferocity that Tommy actually shrank back. "And you."

"I know," Tommy said heavily.

Lin visibly tightened his grip on Alex's arm. "Lac. Don't."

Alex ignored him, his narrowed eyes still fixed on Tommy. "I heard you guys. It was your idea. You're supposed to be the sensible one."

"You're not being fair," Lin said.

In all his years working alongside Alex Tommy had never seen him angry even in the midst of everyone else screaming at each other. If Alex was mad at him, he probably deserved it, and if Lin could be objective about all this he'd even agree.

Tommy shook his head. "No, he's right. I fucked up."

Apparently that was the right thing to say; Alex deflated like a burst balloon. "Don't ever do that to me again."

"I'll try not to," Lin said quickly.

Which wasn't actually what Alex had asked, Tommy thought. He'd spent too much time around Lin not to pick up on things like that.

 

*

 

Tommy healed quick and stopped feeling the effects before long; unlike Lin, who leaped off his hospital bed as soon as they let him and spent all his time working or doing rehab and refusing to rest, despite still stumbling around with a limp that made Tommy's stomach hurt with stabs of residual guilt.

 _What_ he was working on was a bit of a mystery too, considering how little Tommy had to do.

"Turns out there's not much to occupy a Ranger without a Jaeger," Tommy observed loftily at Chris, who promptly stopped spoon halfway to his mouth to gave him the filthy look that deserved.

"You don't say."

Unlike most Rangers, Chris had chosen both the manner and the timing of his retirement. Lin had of course whined long and hard at the prospect of losing him to civilian life, and even Tommy wondered what would make a person voluntarily give up being a Ranger.

" _I got a family to worry about now. They depend on me. If I can't value the lives of strangers above my own life then I need to stop. So I'm stopping,_ " Chris had said then, without Tommy having to ask.

Lin might've whined, but he'd ultimately agreed with Chris' reasons too.

"How did you deal with it? Before you got the gig with the Archimedes crew, I mean."

"Honestly? I went a lot stir-crazy. The way Lin is right now - that's about how bad." At Tommy's look of horror, he hastily added, "or - maybe not quite there, but only because I'm way more chill than he is."

"Where is he, anyway?" Tommy asked. He didn't bother looking around the mess hall - if Lin turned up at any point there would've been an uproar and he'd know about it.

A hilariously furtive expression took over Chris' face. It fitted him not at all. "He didn't tell you? They're probably in Seattle by now."

_Nope. He really didn't._

"What? Is he even cleared to travel?"

"The docs cleared him. Javi too," Chris said quickly. He made a show of looking around and leaned in closer. "Besides, the salvage crew wanted him along."

Of course they did. And if Tommy turned on the news in a while he could probably look forward to seeing footage of Lin limping around the battle site set to sad music and a fawning interview or two ending with him staring straight into the camera with those shining doe eyes, asking for people to support the cause. "Fucking hell. And you let him go?"

"I ain't his keeper." Chris lowered his voice. "Anyway, I couldn't do shit. They want to get him alone so they can squeeze him about what happened."

Tommy's blood ran cold. "You can't be serious."

"I don't kid."

"I told them it was my fault," Tommy muttered.

"I know you did. Which was stupid, by the way. You didn't do anything wrong and you definitely shouldn't have admitted to doing anything wrong."

Chris had a certain moral certitude to him that gave his pronouncements the force of stone tablets and hymns. He somehow made Tommy feel both better and worse. "Quit being nice to me."

"Ha! I'm not. I'm just telling you how it is. Anyway, if CentCom are trying to find scapegoats for losing one of their last North American Jaegers - I'm not saying that's what they're doing, but if they're trying it on, don't make it easy for them."

Funny way to show gratitude for saving a city, but the PPDC did have strange priorities these days. Except - "Wait, is _that_ what this trip is about - CentCom want to fuck with Lin? They have to know that's about the dumbest thing they could do."

Chris cracked a grin. "Guess they don't."

 

> _We're live at the last resting place of the Jaeger Knight Errant, where a salvage crew from the Anchorage Shatterdome have arrived to evaluate the scale of their task. Debris from the fallen Jaeger is concentrated at three spots around the Bay which have all been cordoned off by previous PPDC crews. We have been told that the crew expect to retrieve and transport one of Knight Errant's arms today._
> 
> _I'm privileged to be joined now by PPDC Ranger Lin-Manuel Miranda, whose heroic defence of Seattle saved countless lives._
> 
> _'Wasn't just me. My co-pilot Tommy Kail, everyone in Anchorage and Los Angeles - it was a group effort.'_
> 
> _We certainly appreciate the work you do, Mr Miranda. If you don't mind me saying, it's good to see you up and about again._
> 
> _'Thank you very much. I'm just looking forward to getting back into it. I know you're all probably sick of hearing this by now, but guys, we can't save the world without you. So please, keep supporting us however you can. We love you.'_

 

"Excuse me, Sir? Can I ask you something?"

Tommy pulled up short on the verge of launching into an explanation of personnel roles within Mission Control. The kid who'd spoken - curly hair, freckles - visibly panicked under Tommy's stare, but he rallied quick too, especially when it became clear that no swift rebuke was forthcoming.

He could've sworn the cadets got younger every year. Or he was getting old. The teaching gig wasn't so bad, though, especially now. He'd all but injured himself diving for the comm when it beeped.

 _"It'll be easy,"_ Karen had said. " _They're my kids, so they'll behave. You'll mostly be playing tour guide, and you're a smartass so the Q &A won't be a problem either."_

"Go on," Tommy said what what he considered great magnanimity.

The kid cleared his throat. "Uh, Instructor Olivo was telling us about Manila. You know, the three Jaeger deployment? Sorry, obviously you do know. My question is, how did you hit the landing spot like that?"

Tommy did know. It was simultaneously one of his best and worst memories. He had snapshots of the good parts tucked away; they were so precious he dreamed them some nights.

What he remembered best was the Drift being saturated with Lin's joy and wonder as Knight Errant fell, even as their minds raced to find the optimal landing site and process all the tactical data and configure the Jaeger for the least awful impact.

"We didn't. Not like you mean. It was chaos out there - I'm sure you've seen the footage. The best Mission Control could do was drop us from a great height and let us do the rest. We had the sensor data and our own eyes and that was about it. We made all the adjustments on the fly, no LOCCENT input."

"So you winged it," the kid said, grinning.

"Yep. We sure did."

A chorus of laughter. Score one for Tommy.

Then the doors to the Control Room slid open and a few of the kids actually gasped. Tommy knew even before they parted like the red sea; he'd already memorised that newly distinctive click-clack.

Lin limped in, scruffy and small in PPDC overalls and Tommy's old LOCCENT jacket. His hair was newly shorn very short; Quiara had laughed and not unkindly called him a shaved baby lamb.

The cadets couldn't take their eyes off him.

"Hello hello hello! Gosh, look at you all. Didn't Instructor Olivo mention I was gonna drop by?"

"No, she didn't," Tommy said wryly.

"Was kind of last minute. Had to chase you guys around half the Icebox. You might've noticed I'm not nearly as spry as I used to be," this last directed at the cadets, to scattered, nervous laughter, as he spun Renee's chair and heaved himself down into it.

Lin took his jacket off and gave it back to Tommy with a twinkle in his eye. He was only wearing an undershirt under the overalls, and Tommy could feel himself losing the attention of every cadet in the room, because of course the mess of scar tissue on display and the visible portions of that intricate Brawler Yukon tattoo were more interesting than anything Tommy could say.

_"For every drop and successful defense I'll add another line. Fill it in."_

_"Not one for every kill?"_ Lin had looked at Tommy all funny.

_"You know I don't care about that."_

Tommy was well used to seeing additions by now. Lin had already somehow found time to have a line added for Seattle - a broken one.

He grinned at the sea of expectant faces from his perch. "You know how lucky you guys are to be taught by Karen? And here too, getting Tommy to give you the tour. He's such a good instructor. Is he giving you a hard time?"

"He's kind of scary," one of the girls stage whispered. Giggling broke out.

"Good," Tommy said.

Lin waved a hand dismissively. "Nah, he's a marshmallow, really."

"Shush. Don't give me away," Tommy said, in a last-ditch attempt to preserve his reputation. Maybe Lin was right - all Tommy's sternness had gone AWOL as soon as he'd appeared. "One of the cadets here - "

"Anthony," the kid said quickly. "Anthony Ramos. I'm from New York too. Brooklyn."

"Anthony Ramos was asking about Manila. Apparently Olivo's been using us as object lessons."

Lin looked delighted. "Has she? Great. Okay, here's a thing, friends. Next time you watch the recordings, don't watch me. Watch Tommy. He's got something that's hard to teach, and it's so fucking important. He knows exactly what the right thing is in every situation, how much the Jaeger can take before it starts throwing sparks, whether an opponent's too much to handle. That's called judgment. He has it because he comes from Mission Control and he's brilliant. You've got the luxury of learning it through our fuck-ups."

Tommy prayed to every god he could think of that his flush wasn't obvious. How was he meant to be mad about his lesson being taken over when Lin did it to sing his praises? He couldn't. It would be rude.

"But you had to choose so quickly," another one of the girls said. "There's no time to think it through."

"Have your priorities straight ahead of time," Tommy said. To him, that part had always been simple.

Then Lin looked at him like he'd just not only performed a miracle but the particular miracle that Lin had been desperate for and wow, how had Tommy managed to survive exposure to that look before now? He needed to build up some defences. Immunity. Something.

"Yeah. That," Lin was saying to the kids. "Like the recent attack. I'm sure you all saw the news. You know what's being said about it. But I just wanna make sure you know that all of us - here in Mission Control, every single Ranger - we all had our priorities straight. We're here to protect people. If you don't think that you shouldn't be doing it. And that includes you and your co-pilot. You're not a renewable resource. Thinking any other way makes a mockery of what we do."

His belief had almost palpable heat. The kids were transfixed.

But apparently not transfixed enough for Lin's taste. "Ramos. Dude. I'm sorry, am I boring you?"

Ramos flinched like Lin had punched him and went all squirrely. "No, no, sorry, I - I think you're the man. I just - there's people saying they're gonna shut down the Academy."

Tommy shot a startled glance at Lin, expecting him to deny it, and caught the beginning of his fierce, teeth-baring grin.

"They can try. But that's not gonna stop us. Is it?"

"Of course not!" Ramos blurted to a general chorus of agreement.

Lin held out his fist for a startled Ramos to bump. "I'm holding you to that."

 

*

 

"Guess I don't have to ask how your interview with the Investigative Panel went," Tommy said, after they'd seen the cadets off back to Kodiak at the gates.

Lin was silent beside him for so long that he gave up on a response. Then he stirred and shifted closer so that their elbows touched on the railing. "Nope. Not now, anyway. I'll probably talk your ear off later."

Something about that rang oddly hollow. "You okay?"

Lin held up his hand and Tommy noticed for the first time the black and green bead bracelet on his wrist. "Little girl gave this to me, in Seattle. Said she wanted to be like me."

"Cute. Not upsetting," Tommy said carefully.

Lin did laugh, but it was the kind of laugh that hurt on its way out. "Did you see the damage to her city."

"Yeah. We killed two kaiju and saved it."

"We failed. We didn't hold the line."

"Because we had to fight two kaiju," Tommy said, not bothering to try and keep the incredulity out of his voice. "You were there. You almost died trying to stop them."

Thankfully for the sake of his sanity, Lin didn't try to argue this. "Wish we could've done more."

Tommy felt a rush of affection at the stubborn set of his mouth. "You did fine. More than fine. Let yourself off the hook."

Lin had to slouch to rest his head on Tommy's shoulder, but he managed it with the ease born of long practice and nudged Tommy expectantly until Tommy looped an arm around his shoulder.

"Only because you insist," he said into the crook of Tommy's neck, and Tommy shivered, although he was warm all over.

 

*

 

Lin's limp improved until he could more or less run, and Quiara and Anthony and Javi started having more and more hushed conversations around their mess hall table until Anthony finally decided to clue Lin and Tommy in by interrupting a perfectly good meal.

"You guys ready to get back in a Jaeger?"

"Uh. That's just cruel, Veneziale," Lin said, and then ruined his nonchalant facade by pushing his mystery meat casserole aside.

"Unless you're going to steal us one?" Tommy added.

Anthony heaved a long-suffering sigh. "We might need to stick you in someone else's Jaeger, at the rate these encounters are coming along. You know that better than me, guys."

 _That_ was a lot to unpack, but most importantly - "What are you proposing?"

"Let's get you both fit and firing first. You guys up for a test? We'll use the Pod we stripped from Chris and Mandy's."

"If the doctors clear Lin for it - " Tommy said, just as Lin mumbled something too quiet for even him to hear. "Sorry, what?"

"Are you actually nervous?" Anthony asked incredulously.

Any hint of it had already vanished behind Lin's usual cheer. "No, I'm fine. Let's give it a try."

 

*

 

It took Tommy until later that day to realise the obvious problem with going back into Drift with Lin. Then he spent a sleepless night tormenting himself with what-ifs.

He wouldn't be the first person who had a crush. He'd never seen Lin be anything but gracious about it. So that was fine. No world-ending embarrassment in his future.

But truth be told, Tommy didn't want to be in that category. He didn't want Lin to smile and pretend he'd never known. Which was dumb and irrational and all the things he prided himself on not being, but there was no helping it.

 

*

 

Turned out in the worst way possible that he needn't have worried.

 

*

 

"Neutral handshake initiated."

Tommy's vision filled with blue light - and then he heard Lin scream, and the world went black.

He came to with the distinct, horrible screech of metal in his ears and had to grab onto the what remained of the harness before he fell off the platform.

Pilots weren't meant to be ejected the way Lin had done it that day - Tommy hadn't even realised it was possible to detach those bits from the harness. But of course Lin knew - he'd probably built it in for this exact scenario, the crazy bastard.

Under the helmet Lin's face was almost serene. Tommy tore his gaze away from his smile to the encounter clock - 24 minutes. Right after Lin got him away to safety.

"Phew. Thanks, Control. Close one," Lin was saying cheerfully, as if Knight Errant weren't missing an arm and its main cannon.

 _"Pilot drift state unstable. Pilot vitals dropping,"_ GLaDOS said.

"Tell - " Lin drew in a sharp breath. There was sweat gathering on his brow. "Ha. Tell me something I don't know."

 _"Plasmacaster detached. Left sting blade detached. Left arm mobility 0%. Engine function 30%,"_ GLaDOS responded, because Tommy and Anthony had for some reason programmed her to be exactly that asshole.

A crackle of static. Then, Renee's voice, raised in alarm. "Can you get away? Just go. Romeo Blue's inbound."

"No, Renee."

"You can't do anymore good there. Get away."

"I'm not going," Lin said gently. He raised a shaky arm, brought up the master control panel, and started punching in overrides.

"Lin, please." Alex. That was Alex, who almost never spoke during deployments, sounding like he was on the verge of tears. "What're you going to do on your own with no weapons left?

"C'mon, Lac, you know that's not true. I've got one blade and the vibro cannon. Now watch this." Lin punched execute on the control panel and beamed when it flashed green. "GLaDOS, divert all power to propulsion. When I say, flip it into the vibro cannon."

"Vibro cannon's ancient tech," Renee said. "What's that going to do to something that size?"

"If he rigged the supply - " Alex's indrawn breath was audible even over the comm. "Motherfucker."

"What?"

"At point-blank range it might be enough. But the blowback - don't you fucking dare, Lin, you hear me!"

Lin couldn't respond - Biantal was on him, and it was all he could do to dodge its claws and teeth. He ducked a tail swipe with a screech of stressed metal and swung at its wounded torso with the remaining sting blade.

The Kaiju screeched, ducked its massive head and bit down, and the Conn-Pod filled with the scream of alarms and metal.

 _"Structural integrity compromised. Right sting blade detached,"_ GLaDOS reported.

"Lin, please. Just get out of there," Alex said, very soft.

"It's been fun, guys. I don't wanna see no crying at my funeral." Lin took a last glance at his right. His eyes were wet but he was beaming. "Okay, now."

" _Power override engaged. Deploying vibro cannon."_

Somehow Tommy had managed to forget what he'd have to see at the end. What Lin would be reliving.

The world went white.

 

*

 

Tommy opened his eyes to an empty Conn-Pod with a scream still lodged in his throat. The sight of the empty harness beside him coupled with what he'd just seen sent him into an instant cold sweat.

"Where's Lin?"

"He's fine, calm down," Anthony said over the comm. "The docs took him for tests, that's all. Let's get you disengaged."

Tommy ran out into the monitoring chamber as soon as Anthony unhooked him and immediately had to swerve to avoid knocking the director over. Sondheim actually had to reach out and steady him - Tommy hadn't realised how hard he'd been shaking until he was forced to be still.

"Steady, Kail."

"What the fuck just happened."

"Lin piloted Knight Errant on his own for almost five minutes after he booted you out," Sondheim said, very gravely. "And then the traumatic disconnection on top of that…"

The man always did have a way with words. What a lovely, gentle euphemism for Lin blowing himself up.

"I know. I just saw."

"We theorized this might be a possibility," Quiara muttered.

"What - " Tommy had to clear his throat before he could go on. "What are you saying?"

The crew looked at each other in transparent despair. Bill drew the short straw. "Lin can't enter Drift anymore."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   1. ["As long as I got a job, you got a job."](http://stickmarionette.tumblr.com/post/154089681478/janel-moloney-the-west-wing-no%C3%ABl-drunk)
>   2. Lin and Bill were [really](https://twitter.com/Lin_Manuel/status/384085428715782144) [flatmates](https://twitter.com/Lin_Manuel/status/384088597852598272).
>   3. [Lin and Vanessa's real meet-cute.](http://www.nytimes.com/2010/09/12/fashion/weddings/12VOWS.html)
>   4. [Tonight, we're drinking straight from the bottle.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rwjn1zmYIm0)
>   5. Stephanie Klemons, assistant choreographer for Hamilton and [the fifth member of the Cabinet](http://stickmarionette.tumblr.com/post/156407551857/womenofhamilton-danceism-and-then-the-whole).
>   6. "I don't wanna see no crying at my funeral" is a quote from the Notorious B.I.G.'s Ready to Die.
> 

> 
> Chapter 3 is finished (but unedited). I'll post it when I've finished a draft of 4. The end is in sight, guys.


	3. Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Lin is confusing and Tommy comes perilously close to ending the whole ballgame.

 

> Project Voltron
> 
> Excerpt from Subject Evaluation By Quiara Alegría Hudes (Assault Specialist), Anthony Veneziale (Conn-Pod Control) and Dr Javier Muñoz (Psych Analyst)
> 
> Reviewed by S Sondheim (Project Director)
> 
> ....the earliest theories emphasized Miranda's empathy and adaptability. While those are undoubtedly important factors, we note that equally importantly, the modesty reflex that troubles so many would-be pilots is almost entirely absent in him. He is comfortable to the point of relaxation in Drift state and capable of some degree of conscious direction and control. There was once significant concern within the Steering Committee over the viability of Voltron, most of it centering around Miranda's psych eval. Any other candidate who displayed such an ingrained fear response would have been rejected. But with Miranda the fear was not debilitating - quite the opposite.
> 
> It has been theorised by some (including Dr Towns-Miranda) that many years of working in and around Jaegers was the best form of therapy he could have had following the Brawler incident. Should he be deprived of this outlet, it is possible that his psychological well-being could deteriorate.

 

Javier intercepted Tommy at the entrance to the medbay by physically grabbing his shoulder as he stalked past.

"Slow down, tough guy. How're you feeling?"

"I'm fine," Tommy said quickly, tamping down the urge to shake Javier off. He wasn't the one who just failed to enter Drift _and_ had to relive getting blown up. "How's Lin?"

Javier's bland, professional facade cracked into worry, the frown lines etched so deep he looked like a very handsome statue. "How do you think? Just...when you see him, try to be nice about it."

He didn't mean anything by it, Tommy told himself. Javier was just blunt by nature and he cared so goddamn much about all of them. Especially Lin - those two had some wonder twins shit going on that no one else understood, born out of both being Nuyoricans who grew up in the Program, and sometimes that bled through to the work.

Still. "Excuse me? What kind of monster do you take me for?"

"Not what I meant," Javier said impatiently. "Lin's good at only presenting his best face even when that's not healthy. He'll probably act like nothing's wrong. Normally I wouldn't say this, but for once _let him act like nothing's wrong_ and for God's sake don't put pressure on him. Nod if this is making any sense."

Any offense Tommy might've been tempted to feel was swiftly quashed under Javier's narrow-eyed stare. The man could make the Marshal feel chastised. "I wasn't going to be a dick. Just want to make sure he's alright."

"Good." Javier's vise grip on his shoulder became a pat and he turned to go. This time Tommy was the one doing the indiscriminate grabbing. Something Quiara had said -

"Wait a sec. Why the hell did you even approve the test if you knew this might happen?"

Javier's shoulders slumped. "Lin needed to know. You can probably imagine what it was like for him to have that hanging over his head."

"He never even mentioned - I didn't realize."

Tommy began to see what Javier meant.

"We kept it quiet for obvious reasons," Javier murmured. "The potential impact once this gets out - you'd know better than me."

Tommy hadn't thought that far, too preoccupied with Lin's immediate well-being, but the mere idea was enough to give him a headache.

Lin wasn't just a good pilot. There were plenty of good pilots left, even in this, the twilight days of the PPDC, but he was by far the best at living the life of a Ranger in the public eye. Hell, he'd been making the case for the Program even in Seattle, when Central Command had flown him out there to try and find fault with his behavior.

That had been awe lighting up the faces of the Academy kids the other day when he'd shuffled in, limping on one fully functional leg. Lin was their hero. This was going to break their little hearts.

" _Fuck._ And there's no keeping it quiet. Everyone around here's gonna know before the end of the day."

"Fucking gossips," Javier muttered. "Go, just don't make my job any harder. He's in the repair bay."

Part of Tommy still felt slightly insulted to be treated like the world's clumsiest man about to be handed a fragile work of art, but the ruthlessly rational part pointed out that one, he was _really_ projecting, and two, his track record left little room for optimism.

 

*

 

The repair bay was an enormous mess and boasted the ability to offend all five senses when major Jaeger repairs were on. Tommy had never set foot in it outside of working hours and was surprised to find it settled and still, silent save for the hum of heavy machinery on standby. Still smelled like dunking his head in machine oil, though.

He found Lin on the highest catwalk leaning on the railing, staring down at the mess that first Kaiju had made of Horizon Brave. Maintenance kept the place at close to freezing and Lin was shivering in his worn, thin Biggie shirt, although he seemed oblivious to the cold. He didn't so much as stir at Tommy's presence beside him, either.

"Just had to have your first ever miss in the most dramatic way possible, huh."

"Quit trying to make me feel better," Lin said quietly. He had to clear his throat first; his voice was still hoarse from screaming.

"I will not," Tommy retorted, with greater vehemence than was probably called for. Lin's big watery eyes went wide and Tommy cursed himself for making it weird, but then Lin turned and wordlessly buried his head in Tommy's chest, clutching his jacket like a lifeline, and he decided it was well worth it.

_Clumsy man handed fragile treasure_ , Tommy recalled, and then he had to suppress grossly inappropriate hysterical laughter because it described the terror and elation he felt to a T.

After what felt like an eternity Lin stirred and slowly disentangled himself. His eyes were still wet, but he no longer looked like his heart was being ripped in two.

"Sorry. Shouldn't involve you in my moping. Bo-ring."

Even without Javier's warning Tommy would've heard alarm bells, or so he hoped. "Uh, no. No boredom here. Happy to be involved."

Lin stared at him evenly for a long, terrifying moment. "Okay. Can I be alone for a bit?"

"If that's what you want," Tommy said carefully.

Lin managed a smile that didn't reach his eyes. "Yep. I'll see you later, okay?"

He produced oversized headphones from somewhere and slipped them on. Ready to Die started up so loudly that Tommy could easily make it out. He took the hint.

 

*

 

Once upon a time, Tommy had devoured all the available literature on pairing issues and drift compatibility hoping to find an answer, for a fix to whatever was wrong with him. Back then he knew the theory and all the studies inside out, not that any of it helped.

The same desperation and hopelessness ate at him now and woke him up with Lin's scream echoing inside his head. He pestered Javier for copies of all the new studies done since Tommy found his miracle cure and stopped paying attention and spent a week's worth of sleepless nights going over it with a fine-toothed comb. Looking for hope, yet again.

Turned out Lin had changed the literature too - a lot of the new work mentioned him, and some even discussed Lin and Tommy as a pair.

There was some research about the effects of piloting alone, based on all the same names - Adam Casey, Pentecost, Becket - and which described the resulting physiological and neurological damage in excruciating detail. Reading it made Tommy cold with dread, but he forced himself to keep going, almost as penance. This was useful. He could help Lin with the symptoms.

There was no literature on the effects of traumatic disconnection, because _in order to complete a full study on the after-effects of traumatic disconnection, a living subject is required. In all known cases so far traumatic disconnection has coincided with the death of the pilot._

So they were charting new territory, Tommy told himself. Lin was alive. That was the most important thing.

 

*

 

For the first time since Tommy had known him, Lin went all closed off and ornery. He had a lot of voices in his head at the best of times, and now they seemed to overwhelm the outside. He disappeared into his dorm and only seemed to come out to talk to the director and the doctors.

 

> _Tommy: did you eat today?_
> 
> _Tommy: mess hall staff asking, might take it personally soon_
> 
> _Lin: oh please tell sarah happy birthday and i'm so sorry i forgot_
> 
>  
> 
> _Tommy: steph says you skipped rehab. everything okay?_
> 
> _Lin: fuck_
> 
> _Lin: had a meeting. anthony was supposed to tell her for me._

 

Tommy prided himself on his calm; he lived comfortably between emotional extremes 99% of the time. That was why he worked so well with Lin, who was an ocean stuck in a teacup. These days there were plenty of cracks on that teacup.

"Any of you guys seen Lin lately? Is it just me he's avoiding?" Tommy asked the Voltron crew at the end of their weekly debrief. The director had turned up with Lin's apologies - apparently he was off doing something with Javier. Sondheim didn't specify what, and swanned out at the end of the meeting too quickly for Tommy to ask.

Anthony shook his head. "Not just you. He's been around for work, but he's not really _around_ , you know?"

"I miss the whole manic pixie dream Ranger thing. This much quiet is bad. And also vaguely scary," Quiara said.

"Quiet is definitely bad," Alex nodded. "How're you holding up?"

Tommy looked around for the intended recipient of the question and was surprised to find himself the target of Alex's formidable eyebrows. "Me? I'm fine. All healed up."

Steph had given him the all clear just this week. She'd also peered down at him and said, _"you know, if you ever need someone to talk to...I'm a little ways removed from the hivemind. Might be easier."_

The effect was somewhat ruined at the time by him panting on the mat from having her knock the wind out of him, but he appreciated it later.

"That's not what I was asking," Alex said. "Are you okay?"

"I'm _fine_." Ooh, that came out a little testy. Tommy went on hastily before Bill or Anthony could comment. "Nothing happened to me. I'm not the one hurting. I don't need to talk about how sad I am."

He was beginning to understand why Karen had so hated being at the Icebox when Robin was on medical leave. The looks of pity and expressions of sympathy were probably all well-meaning but they felt like sandpaper on his skin.

"That's what mandatory therapy is for, my man," Bill said cheerfully into the brittle silence. "You know, this thing where neither of you will admit to being upset is making me feel some awful fucking deja vu. Thought we were done with that."

"Bill, don't," Quiara said sharply.

Bill held up his hands. "I know, I know. Ixnay on the Voltron crew dirty laundry. I just don't wanna see the same shit happen again."

Now Tommy was both annoyed _and_ confused, which was not an improvement. "Anybody feel like cluing me in?"

"Ask Lin," Bill grumbled. "Actually, on second thought, maybe don't do that right now. And if you tell him I sent you they won't even find your body."

He said it inflectionless and straight-faced and Tommy couldn't tell for the life of him if he'd meant it to be a joke, like half the crap that came out of Bill's mouth.

"Ha. Ha. C'mon, we don't have that many pilots to spare." Neither could Anthony, judging by how nervous he sounded. "Seriously though. Don't bite my head off for this - and that's not just Tommy, that's any of you, hear me out…"

"Spit it out, time's wasting," Quiara said.

Anthony shifted his chair closer to Tommy's with a loud screech of metal and lowered his voice. "We could try pairing you up with someone else."

"No," Tommy said immediately. "Hell no."

Even his current aimlessness was better than having to endure a long string of pairing tests in the slim hope of being compatible with some kid from the Academy. He'd barely emerged from the seesaw of hope and disappointment intact as a kid; the prospect of doing it again so many years later seemed like torture.

If by some miracle it worked, what then?

The thought of going into Headspace with someone new made him feel vaguely nauseous. And what would Lin think? It felt like a betrayal even to Tommy. He couldn't imagine having to explain it to Lin's face; he'd expire on the spot of shame the moment Lin looked at him with hurt in his eyes.

Anthony looked pained. "At least think about it. I'm not out to get you. I just - I was there, remember? I know how hard you've worked to be a Ranger."

"I know you're just trying to help," Tommy said firmly. "But the answer's no. I can't."

 

*

 

> _Tommy: what do you look like again? it's been so long that i don't recall_
> 
> _Lin: younger hotter latino rdj-as-original-iron-man_
> 
> _Lin: i'm definitely not taking advantage of your memory lapse to lie outrageously_
> 
> _Tommy: gonna need to see some evidence_
> 
> _Lin: you could've just asked to hang out. that works too_
> 
> _Tommy: noted_

 

Lin had the dorm at the end of the corridor because in his own words, "i _t gets loud in here for many excellent reasons and I love you all and want you to have a good night's sleep_." It was easily identifiable among the sea of identical rooms by the Les Mis lyric poster and large schematic drawing of Coyote Tango stuck to the door.

It'd been awhile since Tommy had been inside - weird and uncalled-for pang at that thought - but if he had to he could probably still reconstruct the exact layout of ordered clutter that came with a space inhabited by Lin.

The door opened a crack as Tommy came around the corner and he instinctively halted mid-step.

"Hang on, you left your earrings." That was Lin, a little muffled, in his softer pre-coffee drawl. "Oh, these are pretty. Didn't I get you those in San Diego?"

"Are you complimenting them or yourself?"

And that was Vanessa, sounding amused, retreating away from the door.

"Both? Both is good."

Vanessa laughed. "Typical. Thanks, wouldn't want to go to my meeting without 'em. I might scandalize someone with my naked ears."

"I think you scandalize some of those people just by existing near them," Lin said with great relish. "I also think that watching you scandalize the powers that be while plotting their irrelevance might be the greatest joy in my life."

"And how many of those do you have?" Vanessa asked archly, but in a charmed, indulgent tone that sounded so familiar it hurt.

"Right this second? Only one."

Vanessa laughed, and then there was the rustle of bedclothes and Lin giggling; a gasp and then a long silence during which Tommy could feel his face heat up.

"Okay, I'm leaving," Vanessa finally said, a little breathlessly. "I'm leaving now."

Then Lin, a little muffled, smug like the cat that ate the canary, "you look immaculate, go eat faces."

"I'll see you tonight."

"It's a date."

Stupid dull ache in Tommy's chest at how well they fit together.

He missed that. Missed it so much he didn't know what to do with himself without it, and in all the years of having it he'd never thought to question it, because it was nothing like any kind of love he'd ever seen or heard and rolled his eyes over and quietly wondered about.

The approaching footsteps startled him out of moping and he shuffled back down the corridor, but not nearly fast enough to stop Vanessa calling out for him.

"There's the man I wanted to see. Don't run away."

"My dorm's right here," Tommy said inanely.

Vanessa valiantly refrained from laughing at him. "I know. You made me a promise, remember?"

"I...did?"

Certain parts of the last few months were a complete blur of panic and confusion, but he'd remember something like that.

"Yep. Before I went to New York," she said expectantly.

_"Keep an eye on Lin for me while I'm away, okay?"_

He'd agreed and even been a little indignant that she'd felt the need to ask and never gave it a second thought. With every passing moment Tommy understood better why she'd hit it off with Lin so quickly. They were scary in very similar ways.

"That wasn't - I wasn't - "

Vanessa raised her eyebrows at him. "You don't want to be held to it? Is that what you're saying?"

"No," Tommy snapped immediately.

His vehemence must've touched a chord; she smiled at him. "Then what's the problem? Go on."

 

*

 

The inside of Lin's dorm was disturbingly lacking in clutter. What it did have was a bedside cabinet crowded with pillboxes and bandages and packs of medical dressing, just visible in the low light. Big Pun and Chorus Line and Star Wars posters on the wall. A child's drawing of Lin standing on the shoulder of their Jaeger, massive Puerto Rican flag draped around him like a cape, framed and hanging over his desk.

Lin was sitting up in bed covered in a mountain of blankets and reading his tablet with a little frown between his brows. He beamed at Tommy and chattered away at him like nothing at all was wrong or different. Javier's warning sounded in Tommy's head but the thought of pretending to go along with this charade suddenly seemed grotesque now that he was being beaten over the head with the evidence at close range.

"Wow, I can see the surface of your desk. Have you been body-swapped?" he tried.

"Easier to navigate with less stuff," Lin said. "It'll get worse now I'm up and about properly. Well. Kind of up and about."

Tommy caught the quick glance he flicked down at his blanket-swamped legs.

"Do you…want to talk about it?"

Lin pulled a face. "Boy, how bad do I look? In all the years we've known each other I've never heard you say that."

He actually looked fine, and like he'd slept in the past week. Way better than he had in awhile, actually, if a little underfed. Tommy no longer felt the pressing urge to steal him a puppy, which was a huge relief. He didn't know the first thing about pet theft.

"You don't need me to massage your ego, but the offer's genuine."

Lin smiled up at him through his lashes. All that adoration and he still went all boyish and shy at the slightest hint of actual kindness. "Aw, you're so nice. Thanks. How about a spar instead?"

Tommy eyed him skeptically. From what he could see of Lin's shoulders and neck, there were actually more bandages than last time, not less. "Are you up to it?"

"Am I up to it, he says," Lin muttered. He shrugged out of his blanket prison. "Let's find out."

 

*

 

Lin bowed lower than textbook. He always did on principle, but now he winced straightening up.

"You sure you're okay?"

Lin answered Tommy by leveling the staff in front of him so fast it whistled. He swung down, Tommy blocked up high, then low for the follow-through.

"Question."

Lin in the wake of the deafening _crack_. Wearing his most innocuous face, butter-wouldn't-melt.

"Shoot."

"Why are you suffering with me? I'm sure you could find someone else."

Something about his carefully neutral tone - Tommy suddenly understood.

"You put Anthony up to asking me."

They sprung apart as if on cue; Tommy spotted Lin's leading arm, met his staff high and hard. Wince that Lin hid not quickly enough, but he held firm. Behind their crossed staffs he met Tommy's gaze head-on, cheerfully unrepentant.

"I gave him a nudge. He'd have gotten there on his own eventually."

With that Lin drew back and stabbed forward. Tommy sidestepped by a hair. He made a mental note to get annoyed about Lin's typically Lin behavior later, when he wasn't in danger of getting hit if he spaced out.

"So you convinced him it was his own idea. Why? To test me?"

"Is that what you think?"

Lin advanced with broad full swings of his staff. Showboating play-fight stuff, not dangerous. Tommy retreated, matching his steps and swings. Textbook. They always read each other so easily.

"No. I think - " Step back, screening swing. "I think you were being stupid and noble." Step, blocking swing. "The problem isn't compatibility. I don't want to pilot with somebody else."

Lin grinned like he always did in the Drift, bright with unabashed joy and pleasure, and Tommy lost his breath. His back hit the wall.

"Want and need aren't the same thing. You'd get used to it."

Lin feigned low and stabbed high. Tommy ducked just in time. Shake in Lin's right wrist - there. He flicked his staff up hard. Lin's went flying. Flicker of surprise on his face, then he swept a foot out before Tommy could straighten up and knocked him flat.

They fell in an ungraceful tangle of limbs. Tommy found leverage first, rolled them over and pinned Lin's hands flat.

"Motherfucker. That was not meant to happen," Lin panted. Little note of petulance. Sparring was play, but Lin who hid a competitive streak behind affability never played a game he didn't intend to win.

Tommy mentally rewound the last few seconds and spotted what he meant. Lin's planted leg had buckled with the kick or he would've been left standing.

Great. Now he felt bad. "You okay?"

"Fine. Never better," Lin said. "That was fun."

He went limp and pliant but Tommy knew better than to let his guard down before Lin said give and thank you.

Not that he and the concept of relaxation were anywhere in the same postcode, with his body alternating pain and bruising alerts and delighted exclamations at Lin warm and solid and exhilarated underneath him.

He couldn't think straight. A matter of context, maybe. Having permission to touch.

The graceless clamoring from parts of him that were still shaking off rust should've been easy to ignore. Their time apart had actually made the problem seem less acute and terrible. But he'd been kidding himself.

When he was a college freshman, Tommy saw two Jaegers fight Yamarashi to a standstill and knew right then what he wanted to do for the rest of his life. The clarity of that desire was like nothing else in his life so far or since - until now.

The worst part was that his mind already had all the material it could want. All that time in the Drift, and Lin never cared to be embarrassed about anything, least of all pleasure. It was hard work to shut it out. Lin would worry at his lip while he was thinking and Tommy's traitor brain and photographic memory would lose the run of itself bringing up the glimpses he'd seen.

The last remaining refuge of rationality in Tommy's mind pointed out that Lin was just being the same old comfortably over-familiar Lin and the only thing new was Tommy's torment.

He'd been staring too long. Lin's smile acquired a edge sharp enough to cut. "Do you want something?"

A cold bolt of thrill and fear down Tommy's spine. He let go of Lin's wrists like they were on fire and tried to get up, only for Lin to grab him by the undershirt and dig his fingers into Tommy's side, still with that mischievous quirk to his lips.

"Lin, I'm - we should talk."

"You don't sound very sure about that."

"I'm not," Tommy admitted.

Lin's cool, evaluating look broke into tender exasperation. He stopped trying to bruise Tommy's rib cage and cupped his face with exaggerated care like he might a skittish kitten. Tommy scrambled hard for some indignation; instead, it was all he could do to not turn into the warmth of those hands.

"I know the Drift makes things easy, but there are other ways to communicate. Use your words, dummy."

"I miss having you in my head," Tommy blurted, purely in self-defense, and then wished fervently for a staff to be in reach so he could beat himself to death.

But he'd said the magic words, somehow; Lin smiled, a small fragile thing at first but slowly it grew luminous. He leaned up and touched his forehead to Tommy's and Tommy forgot his embarrassment entirely.

Puff of air on his cheek from Lin's parted lips. Lin's voice very quiet. "Weeeeeeell, maybe - "

His comm went off.

He reached for it by touch, flicked a glance down at the message, and Tommy felt his entire body tense.

"Let me up?"

"You never said give," Tommy tried weakly, while the rest of him tried to remember how to stand.

Lin flashed a smile to show he appreciated the joke, though it never came close to touching his eyes. "Let me up. You might as well come with."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   1. [Voltron](https://twitter.com/Lin_Manuel/status/707602121923956736).
>   2. [Wonder twins!](https://twitter.com/JMunozActor/status/581278835775303680)
>   3. Here is the Wiki entry for [Adam Casey](http://pacificrim.wikia.com/wiki/Adam_Casey). The other names you know from the movie.
> 

> 
> Chapter 4 is done and edited. I'm just waiting to have enough of the final chapter done to post it. Almost there.


	4. Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Tommy is hit with the clue stick.

 

> Project Voltron
> 
> Excerpt from Subject-Partner Evaluation: T Kail
> 
> By Lin-Manuel Miranda
> 
> Reviewed by S Sondheim (Project Director)
> 
>  
> 
> ...Kail was by all accounts an exemplary student. His supervisors at Anchorage Mission Control praise his quick thinking and ingenuity under pressure.
> 
> He has never successfully completed a pairing test, despite many attempts before and after graduation. Analysis of the test data seems to suggest that the common factor is an extraordinarily strong fear/modesty reflex. In other words, he will never be compatible with anyone barring a personality transplant.
> 
> At Project Voltron we strive to overturn such dead-end thinking. I believe that giving up on a highly qualified candidate such as Kail would be a tremendous waste. He would make a fantastic Ranger. All he needs is someone who can earn his trust.

 

Stopping to change was apparently not an option. When Tommy asked where they were going, in case Lin in his infinite common sense-lacking wisdom wanted them to go outside in undershirts, Lin only said "hangar" and and kept walking as fast as his legs could carry him, which was still not very.

Halfway there Tommy realised which one he meant and almost pulled them to a stop right there. He didn't feel anywhere close to ready.

Lin slapped his palm against the scanner, the doors slid open, and outside the giant panelled windows where Knight Errant had loomed for years there was now nothing.

Tommy made himself focus on Chris lounging casually against the control panels. If Bill and Alex were around he'd catch hell for that, but there wasn't much call for J-Tech crew without a Jaeger to work on.

"There you are," Chris called out, waving Lin and Tommy over. "This one went looking all over for you."

 _This one_ was the lanky man around Tommy's age standing beside Chris. Crisp dark suit, no tie.

"You okay? I had to come see. All the reports - " Tommy barely got a glimpse of the guy's face before Lin all but climbed him. "Oof. Hey."

"Aren't you a sight for sore eyes," Lin said, low and pleased.

"God, I forgot how you - " the man stopped like someone had cut his strings, but Tommy at least understood exactly what he'd meant.

Lin raised his head, all wide-eyed innocence. "How I what?"

Lanky's sharp face softened into a rueful laugh. "Nothing. It's good to see you."

"How long has it been? Thought you forgot about me," Lin said cheerfully as he came back over to Tommy, draped his arms around him from behind and pressed close with no pretext or warning. Which was really amazingly inconsiderate, goddammit, and Tommy had to put all of his formidable concentration into remembering how to breathe. "This is Tommy. My co-pilot."

"Hi. I'm Matt. Voltron alumni."

Tommy had figured as much, going by the man's wince when Lin had pronounced "co-pilot" with such relish. So this was Lin's former testing partner Matt, who Tommy knew mostly by a range of rude nicknames perpetuated by Karen and Bill and as a sweet and bitter bundle of feelings in Lin's mind that he'd always found too private and too intense to linger on for long.

"Matt works at CentCom now," said Lin in an exaggerated mock whisper. "What's going on? Are you guys gonna pay to fix my Jaeger?

"Lin, I'm sorry to even bring it up, but I heard about what happened with - with the test - "

Lin didn't let him finish. "We're working on that."

_We are?_

"Oh. I did hear something from - um. Shutting up now. One of these days you're gonna get me fired," said Matt. Somewhere in that sentence all the scolding turned into affection, like he didn't have the will to sustain it for long.

Lin's answering grin showed teeth. "I would never. Anyway, fixing Biggie's just a good idea. The Kaiju aren't gonna go away if we all close our eyes and pray real hard. We need more working Jaegers. There's one perfectly good pilot here sitting around twiddling his thumbs right now."

"I want to give you good news. You know I do," Matt said.

The helpless look on his face twinged something in Tommy. Did he look like that? Probably. Fuck.

Lin held Matt's gaze evenly for a long moment before he nodded. "Thanks. You're a good friend. Come by my dorm later? Lots to talk about."

"I will."

Matt said his goodbyes and left to go visit Quiara, and Lin didn't let go of Tommy until the door slid shut. Then he turned to them like that hadn't been the weirdest fucking thing.

"What?"

Chris threw up his hands. "I ain't saying anything."

"Love you," Lin said, in the sweet voice that scared the shit out of Bill. "Good that Matt's here. He'll spill the beans if anything's been decided and I won't even have to shake him too hard. Never could keep a secret to save his life."

"Why were you so mean to him?"

Tommy regretted the question as soon as the words were out of his mouth, and more when Lin turned that carefully bland look on him. "I was not."

"By your standards you were. What gives?"

"You don't know?"

"That's why I'm asking."

"I thought you knew everything about me," Lin said, in a voice Tommy had never heard before.

"Shit," Chris muttered under his breath, too loud for Tommy to miss. "Lin. C'mon."

Lin caught Chris' unimpressed look and broke into giggling. "It's fine. Don't you worry." He hugged Chris long enough to magic away his disapproving frown and left whistling jauntily.

Chris waited barely five seconds before rounding on Tommy. "Now, what's wrong with you? Can't anybody just be cool around here?"

"Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I'm fine," Tommy managed.

_Great. Very convincing, moron._

"Dude," Chris said. "What?"

Tommy put on his best innocent expression. It wasn't a patch on Lin's, but he'd gotten away with plenty in his time.

Unfortunately, through his many years of friendship with Lin, Chris had also gotten used to deciphering a far more advanced mode of bullshit. "What was that?"

"What was what?"

Chris raised his eyebrows at Tommy and left without another word.

 

*

 

> _Tommy: here's a good joke_
> 
> _Tommy: what do you call a stood down ranger?_
> 
> _Karen: what?_
> 
> _Tommy: a sad motherfucker_
> 
> _Karen: that's not a joke_
> 
> _Tommy: this is an official apology for not displaying sufficient sympathy when you were stood down_
> 
> _Tommy: i feel useless_
> 
> _Tommy: i am useless and everyone else is so fucking nice about it_
> 
> _Karen: i'm sorry, dude_
> 
> _Karen: you okay_
> 
> _Karen: ?_
> 
> _Tommy: not really_
> 
> _Tommy: changed my mind. let's talk about something else_
> 
> _Tommy: so_
> 
> _Tommy: i have a big problem_
> 
> [Karen has switched to audio call. Accept?]

 

"Oh my God, you finally figured it out," Karen said breathlessly.

"Fucking hell. What do you mean I finally figured - how long have you known?" Tommy demanded.

"That he was majorly into you? Uh, since forever. Didn't think you needed telling."

"That's not what I - wait, what?"

All this time he'd never let himself even consider the idea. Exactly how long qualified as _forever_ anyway?

"Uh huh." Karen somehow managed to compress a paragraph's worth of teasing and scorn into two syllables. "Catch up."

"But that can't - he never - "

In all the time they'd known each other he'd never seen Lin be anything less than perfectly, disarmingly forthcoming about what he wanted from someone else. Why on earth would he hide it from Tommy?

_"Then I met you and you immediately told me something that made me a better pilot, so I thought, this guy. I need to hang on to this guy."_

And Tommy had responded with - he didn't even remember. Some dumb joke about how Lin had better not be proposing. In his defence, he'd had no fucking idea.

"Wait, what the fuck are you talking about then?" For the first time, Karen seemed as bewildered as he was.

Tommy's stomach lurched with an unpleasant mix of dread and resignation. Karen being Karen, her not figuring it out was probably - definitely - too much to hope for. "Nevermind," he said quickly, but it was too late.

Karen whistled. "Shit. I just figured you were straight. Or not up for the whole, you know, thing. Like Matt. Which is totally fine, made perfect sense to me at the time."

At least it made sense to somebody. Although after seeing Lin and Matt in the hangar Tommy was also feeling unpleasantly enlightened. No wonder Bill and Alex had both acted so weird when they first met Tommy. Hell, Bill _still_ treated him like a disappointing son-in-law on occasion, although these days there was a touch less disappointment and a touch more solidarity.

"Matt was here before."

"Ha, of course he was," Karen cackled. "And? Did Lin give him a hard time?"

Tommy heaved a long-suffering sigh. "Let's just say it was a glimpse of my pathetic future that I didn't need."

He'd been unfair in the moment; Lin would never be gratuitously mean to an enemy, let alone a friend. But he'd equally never let an advantage go without pouncing, and if he hadn't known for sure there was a thread to be pulled with Tommy before, he probably did now. That instinct was as much a part of him as the kindness and seeing death around every corner.

Karen was silent for so long he thought she'd lost interest and just forgot to hang up. She did that sometimes, but _only_ _when you're boring, god, aren't Rangers supposed to have more interesting lives?_

When she started again, it was in a soft, hesitant voice he'd never heard before. "Didn't have to be. And that's not - I'm not saying that to hurt you. You weren't there at the beginning. Matt just couldn't get over himself until it was way too late."

Tommy might as well have been there given the excruciating familiarity of that description. "Like I said."

"Just put all your cards on the table. What've you got to lose?"

Easy for her to say, Tommy thought, except if Karen were in his position she probably would do just that. He'd seen her dash herself against the world enough times to admire it, and to know they were very different people.

"Hell no."

"You know," Karen said slowly, "when I imagined having this conversation with you, it was a lot more fun than this."

"When you - am I seriously the last person in Alaska to figure this out?"

Another long pause. "You don't want me to answer that."

 

*

 

> _Daveed: got a minute?_
> 
> _Daveed: just fucking with you. i know you got time. come by the lab_
> 
> _Tommy: fuck you_
> 
> _Tommy: i'll be there in five_  

 

Tommy managed to be late. Somewhere in the maze of labs he realized he'd never actually been to Daveed and Rafa's very exclusive domain and no idea what he was looking for. The place wasn't even marked on the map of the Icebox provided by his comm unit.

By some stroke of luck he heard Daveed's voice coming out of a partially open, unlabelled door.

" - hell, Rafa even graphed it for them with bright colors."

"In my experience, brightly colored charts do work wonders with CentCom," Vanessa responded wryly, and Tommy pulled up short.

Took him a second to remember her K-Science background. After all, he'd only ever known her after she moved to the dark side of the Force to work with the overlords. Somehow, it wasn't terribly difficult to picture her in one of those labs, frowning at readouts and taking a machete to Kaiju bits.

He took a deep breath and knocked. "Just me. Sorry I'm late."

Daveed stuck his head around the door. "Come in, we're just talking about how quickly the world's going to end."

Tommy's experience with K-Science types had led him to expect anything from having to step over bits of baby Kaiju on the floor to acid burn on his clothes. Daveed and Rafa's lab was bright and spotless and made Tommy feel distinctly underdressed in his ratty old LOCCENT jacket.

"Nice place for it. Hey, Vanessa."

Vanessa nodded at him from her perch by one of the consoles. "Hey yourself. You wanna see something scary?"

She didn't wait for a response before turning back to the console. The large wall-mounted screen flickered on and she paged through chart after chart before stopping at a plain scatterplot with a single trend line going from low to high.

"Simple as I can make it. Frequency of attacks against time." Swipe. "Jaegers destroyed against time." Swipe. "Ranger attrition against time. You think CentCom will get the message?"

The lines were all very steep.

"Christ."

"They're getting smarter, bolder. We're just getting tired out and losing people," Daveed said. He sounded tired, too.

Tommy couldn't take his eyes off the Ranger attrition chart. "I didn't realise it was that bad."

"It's not in anybody's interests to make it public knowledge." Vanessa paused significantly. "At least right now."

"Not exactly something they can cover up, is it? Not if this pace keeps up. Look at Lima. Were we meant to have another attack so soon?"

They'd been surprised, or so Tommy had read. Caught completely unaware and unprepared, just like the Icebox and LA. How that was possible when the PPDC had predicting encounter dates down to an actual science was a question far above Tommy's pay grade, but it kept him up at night just the same.

"Nope. We were not. Our standard predictive model might as well just be a bunch of pretty squiggles," Daveed said.

Vanessa rolled her eyes. "I told them this was a possibility. Then you and Rafa told them with bells on. But did they listen?"

"Evidently not. A little birdy told me Diablo Intercept's a total bust. Worse than ours."

That made Vanessa look up from the console. "Bill and his big mouth. That's classified."

Tommy considered trying to pretend he'd gotten the tip-off from somebody else and quickly gave it up for a bad job when he realised Alex was the other candidate. "Techs love to gossip, you know how it is."

Vanessa snorted with laughter. "I know. I live with the worst one. Okay, those look solid. Thanks, Daveed. I'm off. Good to see you both."

"Don't be a stranger," Daveed grinned. She held out her fist for him to bump, and then did the same with Tommy.

He could've sworn she winked at him on the way out.

Daveed closed the door after her. "Now that we've thoroughly depressed you - "

Tommy remembered with an effort that Daveed had messaged him about something else. "Yeah, you wanted to see me?"

"You need to talk to Lin," Daveed said abruptly, not looking at Tommy.

"Sorry?"

It was very disconcerting to see someone as tall and laid-back as Daveed hunching in on himself.

"Javi was never gonna spill, but I thought CJack might say something, and now it's too late - anyway. Don't ask me. Just talk to Lin." 

 

> [Excerpt from recorded interview with Knight Errant Pilot 01
> 
> Investigative Panel on the Seattle Incident]
> 
>  
> 
> I: Please describe your decision-making.
> 
> LMM: Sure. I prioritized the protection of life. That's what I was trained to do, that's what I swore to do when I graduated.
> 
> I: Mr Miranda -
> 
> LMM: Call me Lin. Mr Miranda's my dad.
> 
> I: Okay. All right. Lin.
> 
> LMM: Yes, sir?
> 
> I: You don't have to call me sir.
> 
> LMM: Just being polite. Am I making you uncomfortable? I'm sorry, I get a little - blame it on the pain meds. I'm a little woozy still. But! The show must go on, hmm? That's why you called me up here on crutches.
> 
> I: As you know, we have a deadline to report to CentCom. [pause] But if you're not feeling well we can take a break. I didn't realise - maybe we should've done this in the medbay.
> 
> LMM: C'mon, don't make fun of me. You know that's against the rules. I can picture the page in the handbook.
> 
> I: You have a very good memory.
> 
> LMM: Says so in my file.
> 
> I: Lin. Do you know how much Knight Errant cost to build?
> 
> LMM: Yes, sir. You might recall I worked on the project. I could give you the numbers in excruciating detail, but I'm not here to make your life hard.
> 
> I: Jaegers are a precious and finite resource.
> 
> LMM: Jaegars survive pilots at a 3 to 1 ratio. But you probably already knew that.
> 
> I: I wasn't implying that Rangers were any less precious.
> 
> LMM: Of course not. No one's more broken up about what happened to our Jaeger than me. You can't imagine what it did to me. But there was simply no other way to save the city.
> 
> I: You could've held on until backup got there.
> 
> LMM: First, the Kaiju was killing people every second it wasn't in pieces. Second, any kind of "holding on", conservative tactics, would've have had us getting chased around the city, killing people every time we fell wrong, and then gotten us ripped to pieces when the second Kaiju showed up on our flank. Run the simulations, that's what'll happen. What we did worked.
> 
> I: No regrets?
> 
> LMM: I'd do it again.

 

*

 

Took Tommy a while to get around to _"just talk to Lin"_.

One, it was easier said than done.

Two, it was the last thing Tommy wanted to do.

But Daveed wasn't a busybody. He was a friend to them both, and he'd gone out of his way. Tommy acting like a coward would be a waste of his good intentions.

 

> _Tommy: where are you?_
> 
> _Lin: dateville_
> 
> _Lin: nice out. come breathe some fresh air_
> 
> _Lin: promise not to make you uncomfortable_
> 
> _Tommy: you don't make me uncomfortable_
> 
> _Lin: prove it_

 

"Dateville" was Icebox slang for the Brawler Yukon monument on top of the base. The Icebox was carved into the side of a mountain, designed to be enclosed and heavily shielded against attack, and as a result it had even less open air space than the Academy. Hence the name.

The enormous monument surrounded by planted and carefully maintained greenery with a few haphazardly placed stone benches was as close to romantic as the place got. Which was frankly kind of morbid, considering.

The view really was spectacular, though; it was possible to stare out at the horizon and feel utterly at peace and alone and Tommy had taken advantage many times when he needed to think through a knotty problem. And behind him there would be the shadow of the first Jaeger, an odd, clunky beast, standing guard over Anchorage.

Tommy found Lin sitting on the bench closest to the Brawler statue, an enormous woollen scarf draped over his overalls, talking into his comm, too absorbed to notice Tommy's approach.

"Yeah, no. I can't do that, especially now. That's putting my thumb on the scale in a major, major way, no matter how he feels." He paused. "Vanessa! I mean, you're not wrong but this is different. No. You know why. Okay, bye. I love you."

The casual ease of that last stuck in Tommy's throat. He didn't envy Lin saying it - how could he, when it was so obvious? - but he suddenly wanted to be _capable_ of saying it, just like that. No fanfare, no effort.

He swallowed hard and finally found some words of his own. "You never come up here."

Lin startled like a baby deer, but he was smiling by the time he turned to face Tommy. Turning his back on the monument. "You noticed."

"Don't sound so surprised."

"Sorry," said Lin, not sounding particularly sorry. He raised an eyebrow and patted the stone next to him until Tommy sat. "Yeah, I don't come up much."

"It's a good replica," Tommy said carefully.

Considering it was in part a monument to the most traumatic event of Lin's young life, Tommy didn't know how he could stand to be around it at all.

Lin's voice very soft, barely audible in the whistling wind. "You know the thing about that first Brawler test - no one likes to talk about it because of - of Adam, but that was the first time anybody managed to control a Jaeger. That's the first thing I remember. It working. Then not working because Adam was all alone up there."

"The neural load was too much for one brain," Tommy recited blankly. All these years and Lin had never spoken of it, even though Tommy had stumbled into the memory their first time together in the Drift and he'd seen Lin relive it in sleep too many times to count. After a while he began to dream of it too, watching Lin watch Adam Casey.

When Lin dreamed of it, he'd wake up teary but smiling. Like he was now. "He needed someone to take half the weight. The monument shouldn't be of Brawler. Should be Adam and the scientists and techs. It's their legacy."

"You should petition the Steering Committee," Tommy tried. Light as he dared. "I hear you know a guy."

"I know a few," Lin said. Tommy shivered with the next gust of wind and he cut off whatever he was going to say in favour of unwinding his scarf and wrapping it around Tommy's neck with exaggerated care. "Gonna catch your death. Here. Where's your jacket?"

"You're going to lecture me about health," Tommy started, and he was winding up for plenty more when he spotted the huge new scar on the back of Lin's newly uncovered neck.

Looked nothing like one of his battle injuries. Looked surgical. Big enough to ruin part of his tattoo.

"What the fuck."

Lin followed his gaze and couldn't quite hide a flash of apprehension before he schooled his face into blankness. "I got bored and mad scientists at Archimedes had something they wanted to try. You know."

The scar was right over where the old fashioned interface ports would go on a helmet.

"What did you let them do," Tommy said flatly.

"Relax. No harm done."

"Lin."

"I had to try," Lin said, head down, more to his balled up fists than to Tommy.

Of course he did. Many things about the past few weeks suddenly made sense. Lin looking better and trying to tell him something after the spar, Matt's slip of the tongue about something top secret in the works, Daveed's troubled face -

Tommy realized that the roaring in his ears and the pounding of his heart was something close to fury.

"What does Vanessa think about that?"

Unexpectedly, the corners of Lin's mouth turned up. "You should ask her. The Committee has to approve all live subject experiments, remember? She knows. She knows why I did it."

It hadn't worked, that much was obvious, or Lin would have presented it to him as a fait accompli already, and Tommy's worry and outrage would've been tempered by Lin's happiness, and the renewed promise of more tomorrows.

But Tommy had done the reading, once upon a time. He knew all the studies and experiments, every little trick ever tried to make entering Drift easier. There was a reason physical port interface testing had been discontinued by the time he came along.

"You're lucky your brains aren't melted."

Lin shrugged like they were talking about a papercut. "Yeah, well. Couldn't even get that far."

Tommy realised he was grinding his teeth. Stopped with an effort. "You can't always bend the world to your will by sacrificing to it. It doesn't work like that."

"I know. And I wasn't after a storybook ending, you know that," said Lin, very quietly. "Just to live well and die for something. Just that. I'm - I'm not all those things they project onto me."

He did know. He knew Lin's flaws and foibles better than anyone else.

"I'm sorry you're not going to die in a Jaeger like you wanted. I'm not sorry you're retiring alive."

Most of the time Tommy pretended not to know it. He'd never brought it up to anybody, after that one conversation in which Karen had asked him to make sure Lin didn't die.

Of course Lin didn't need the enormous statue on top of the Icebox when he'd never really left that testing chamber where the real thing had stood, shuddered and collapsed with Adam Casey inside it. Sometimes in the Drift if they synced up close enough Tommy heard the ticking. Like an old school analogue clock or the countdown timer on a bomb.

Still, he regretted the words the moment they were out of his mouth, and even more once he saw Lin's wide eyes glossing over with shock, and then settling into dark, bottomless caverns.

"You think that's - " Lin hacked out a laugh. Sounded like it hurt. "You weren't a - a babysitter, or a bandaid over my issues. I didn't _need_ you to - to fix me."

_Want and need aren't the same thing._

"I wouldn't dare," Tommy tried. Brush it off as a joke, like he didn't just paint himself as one of those idiot men in bad movies who try to fix damaged people. As if such an idea could be applied to Lin.

For once, Lin refused to be placated. "I hate that I'm even having to say this to you."

It was, Tommy thought numbly, quite a novelty to be broken up with before he even got to date somebody.

"I know. That came out wrong. I just wanted - "

_To be something to you._

Lin smiled scimitar-sharp like he'd heard the thought. "What?"

"You know," Tommy started, and then found he couldn't stop. "You must know. You were always five steps ahead of me. But you've never even pushed me, when you're always pushing everyone else."

"Maybe think about why that is," Lin said quietly. "Don't tell me you still don't know. It's - I'm not playing if I can't win."

"Just tell me. Pretend I'm stupid."

"Okay. Okay." Lin closed his eyes and took a deep, shuddering breath. Stared down at his knees, the tremor in his clasped hands so obvious Tommy could see it. "You're more than _useful_. That's such a crazy thing to aim for, when you're - you know. You. You should be happy. And I tried, Tommy. I tried but no matter what I did, I couldn't make you see."

Tommy's mouth was dry. "I had no idea."

Lin raised his head and Tommy winced at the mocking twist to his mouth, all the edges turned inwards. "Did you want to? Nevermind. You want me to be clear? Okay. I can do that."

Swooping in Tommy's stomach like being dropped from a great height. Lin's hands reaching for his were freezing cold but he clutched at them like a lifeline, and Lin's smile lost all its bitterness.

"I love you however I can. Always have. You idiot."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *ducks thrown fruit*
> 
>   1. You can watch Lin tell the real life story of him and Matt, aka proto-Tommy, [here](https://keepingupwithlinmanuel.tumblr.com/post/157589127045/lin-manuel-miranda-speaks-to-the-wesleyan-alumni).
>   2. If you want to know more about [what happened with Brawler Yukon](http://pacificrim.wikia.com/wiki/Brawler_Yukon).
>   3. Lin's death thing is well documented by this point. A few examples: [here](http://stickmarionette.tumblr.com/post/153146575590/lin-in-gq-lin-everywhere-else-i-have-to-get-as) and [here](http://stickmarionette.tumblr.com/post/153173582070/yourstory-i-think-hamilton-was-ready-to-die).
> 

> 
> One more chapter to go!


	5. Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which some vital conversations finally take place.

**[two years ago]**

 

After Manila, they'd ripped their helmets off laughing, punch-drunk and stumbling into each other before they'd even had a chance to get properly disengaged, high on victory and adrenaline and escaping certain death.

Later the story will be that they did it that way because they had to. Not because Tommy had a wave of inspiration and a half-baked crazy idea that no one at LOCCENT in their right mind would ever approve, and Lin had looked up at the end of the briefing with that gleam in his eyes and a sly, challenging twist to his mouth and said _why not_.

Maybe he should've reflected on his Pavlovian reaction to Lin's baiting instead of swallowing it hook, line and sinker, but what would've been the point of that? It certainly wouldn't have given him a moment like this, something impossible to regret.

Lin was still laughing like a madman, leaning on the harness to keep upright. "That was the best fucking thing - the best. What an idea, how did you even - God. When you shot the ground out from under it!"

Tommy affected his best bland, unimpressed face. "Wasn't that your idea?"

"Nope. I know it was you. Don't be humble, it doesn't suit you. You're brilliant, you're amazing. You - come here."

"What - "

"Come _here_ ," Lin said, and he raised his arms like a child demanding to be picked up and looked expectant until Tommy walked into them, and then he was being hugged like their lives depended on it, even though the drivesuits made physical contact awkward at best.

He'd had a crazy idea, they somehow pulled it off together and it saved an entire city. Once upon a time, Tommy had dreamed about days like this, although he hardly admitted it even to himself.

Lin pulled back with his eyes so full Tommy couldn't quite meet them. "God, I can't believe that worked," he breathed.

Tommy blurted the first thing that came to mind, which was, unfortunately for him, "I find your lack of faith disturbing," and then immediately had to suppress a wince.

Lin raised his eyebrows. "It's an expression of speech, jackass. Of course I thought it was going to work, or I wouldn't have gone along with it."

_Is that what happened?_

"I didn't," Tommy admitted. He'd needed the nudge.

"You worry too much. Relax a little," Lin said, somehow with a straight face, the hypocrite. Then again, the many things that occupied Lin at any given moment were so loud and overwhelming that there was no space for neurosis to touch him. The Drift was probably as quiet as it ever got inside his head, and the fact that he shared that space with Tommy still blew his mind a little. "What? What is it?"

"I still can't believe I get to do this," Tommy said.

Lin caught his real meaning and smiled big enough to dimple his cheeks. "I'm glad I chose you."

"You should be," Tommy said breezily, when he really meant _so am I_.

 

**[Present day]**

 

At least things could hardly get any worse. The thought had always comforted Tommy in the times when nothing else could, and might be equally effective in this case if he could just make himself stop replaying that long, frozen moment and fantasising about alternative scenarios.

_"I love you however I can. Always have. You idiot."_

He wouldn't trade that knowledge for anything; already found himself hoarding it like the priceless treasure it was, only to be taken out of its hiding place when he needed reassurance that he still possessed it. (Which was a little more often than he was comfortable admitting right now.)

He wouldn't trade it, but he could and did spend quality time wishing he'd come by that moment some other way. Maybe in some better alternative universe where Tommy had a shred of sense he'd have paused to calm down before he implied that he was hanging around to keep Lin from doing something stupid and Lin's words would've been a gift instead of a weapon. Or maybe he'd have managed a sensible, intelligent goddamn reaction and Lin wouldn't have walked out thinking the same thing he did when Tommy walked up.

_"When you figure out what you want, you let me know."_

Lin had smiled saying it. No trace of anger, not even resignation. Somehow that made it worse.

He'd been full for so long he forgot what hunger felt like. And now he missed it so much he couldn't even talk about it.

Tommy knew how to talk to people. Normally _we can barely shut you up_ , as Karen would (and did) say, but no one found him half as charming as Lin did. Lin laughed the hardest at his bone-dry jokes. He was never afraid of Tommy's diffidence, nor did he see it as a challenge, a shell to crack. It was as if Tommy's defences simply didn't exist.

"Look, whatever happened, I'm sure it'll be fine," said Alex out of the blue. "Okay, now punch the ionic stabiliser."

Non sequitur aside, Tommy was pretty sure Alex cribbed that name out of a Star Wars book. "The what?"

Alex had jury-rigged a control system to test a house-sized piece of the Knight Errant wreckage for salvageable components. A part of Tommy was secretly glad the piece they were working on was so damaged as to be unrecognisable.

"Third row, second one across from the left."

Tommy did as instructed. "That's what you always say." He'd have gone on but for the earsplitting siren that filled the hangar.

Both Alex and Tommy were well used to carrying on two or more conversations at once while working, and talking around rude interruptions like parts frying or systems crashing, so Tommy waited while Alex yanked wires out and muttered to himself and yanked more wires out until it was quiet again.

"Son of a - anyway, someone has to keep morale up. But I mean it. Lin'll give you as many chances as you need because it's you."

"How'd you know I was the one who fucked up?" Tommy asked, affronted despite himself.

There was a brief pause. "Bro. Do you really want me to answer that?"

"Uncalled for." Alex's unfortunate and devastating accuracy in this one instance aside.

"Okay, seriously, and I can't believe I have to say this. If it'd been Lin he'd have fixed it already by doing whatever the hell he had to do, nice or not. That's how I know."

Tommy couldn't fault that logic. _"Lac's like Lin if Lin was just nice and not - you know_ ," as Bill had once observed. As if someone replaced every bit of Lin's _you know_ with extra marshmallows.

"Now try the power regulator. But, like, gently."

Tommy rolled his eyes. "It's a lever, dude."

"Gently. Okay, good. Nothing's on fire. We can stop there. I need to go over the logs."

Tommy shuffled back from the console. "Wait, you didn't say there'd be fire."

"There might've been the very slim _possibility_ of fire. Not near you, Jesus Christ. Do you see anything on fire? No? See, it's all good."

Which implied he was perfectly okay with being on fire himself, and maybe Tommy should reconsider his taste in friends.

"Do you need me for anything else? I can stick around." Not like he had much else to do.

"No...wait, yes. Hang on." Screech of the gate opening, and then Alex - or someone who might've been Alex once upon a time before the grime and engine oil claimed him - appeared through it and picked his way delicately across to Tommy. "Have you thought about what you're going to do? You know, since Lin..."

"Don't even start. I'm not going to try and find another co-pilot."

"I know that." Alex sat down cross-legged on the cold floor and cranked his head up at Tommy occupying his control chair. "But at least think about what's next. Are you gonna stay in the PPDC?"

"Why, are you?" Tommy said reflexively. The hell of it was, of course Alex was right. He didn't want to think about the future. Once, he hadn't had to; it simply unspooled in front of him, each day as full and fulfilling as the one before it. He fought monsters for a living, he had his friends at Anchorage, he had the Voltron crew and he had Lin. Then the foundations evaporated in the course of a single day.

But that was no excuse for becoming a self-absorbed jackass and forgetting that everyone else had their lives upended that day too.

Alex frowned at him. "Are you really asking or being a dick?"

"I'm really asking."

Alex went to rub his face with a gloved hand and stopped right before he would've smeared grime all over himself like a 5-year-old. He sighed heavily. "Yeah, I'm done."

"You can't just stop. You're the best," Tommy said, appalled.

"I'm okay working with machines and making them run." Understatement of the century, which was very Alex. The despairing look on his face as he stared at the wreckage was not. "But the battle monitoring - I thought I was watching him die, Tommy. Once was enough. I can't go through that again. Not with him, and not with you. I can't do it. Just the thought makes me sick."

Tommy swallowed past a lump in his throat. "Yeah. I get that. So what's next?"

Alex brightened and sat up straighter. "J-Tech guys are hot property in the private sector, you know. Oh and there might be something coming down the pipeline from CentCom. Less...front line. Lin put me in touch."

_Hang on._

"Doing what?"

For a chronic over-sharer Lin could also be annoyingly secretive.

Alex made a face. "I can't really - you should talk to him."

"That...hasn't gone well for me recently. In case you forgot," Tommy said sheepishly.

"Nah. Just didn't think it was relevant. You're co-pilots," said Alex, like that was everything.

"Were," Tommy corrected bitterly.

Alex shook his head. "Are."

He was right, of course.

 

*

 

True to his word, Lin acted perfectly normal around Tommy. He could almost convince himself that what had happened on the rooftop was a cold-induced hallucination.

Except now that he knew where to look it was obvious that the little cracks formed in those initial weeks after Seattle had reopened. The parts of Lin that lived outside his body, that projected out into the world 24/7, flickered as if under-powered. Bad connection.

Lin always made it seem like happiness was his natural state. Even Tommy, who had seen him in every shade of mood, had to work hard to remember what he was seeing was _effort_.

Tommy amused and horrified himself by imagining what Lin would've done in his place to make things all better between them. And then he felt vaguely guilty about the kind of things his mind conjured. He didn't have permission to think about Lin kissing an ex's frown away and smiling wicked and angelic on his knees and everything else Tommy had ever floated past in the Drift and tried to compartmentalize.

His life could stand a little less compartmentalization, actually.

 

*

 

"You're Lin's co-pilot, aren't you?"

Tommy took a breath and forced his shoulders to untense before he turned. He'd been hoping to make a quick escape after the debrief; had in fact turned up as close as he dared to being inexcusably late so he could stand at the back and avoid the stares and noises of sympathy. Last he saw, Lin was drifting around somewhere near the front, almost entirely hidden by the usual ring of well-wishers.

At least the guy who'd called out to Tommy - sombre, handsome and impeccably dressed in a close-fitting gray suit - didn't seem the type. In fact, he looked kind of familiar, especially when he smiled all enigmatic.

He'd last seen that smile from across a table.

"Leslie, right? From the Steering Committee?"

Leslie nodded. "That's me. Moved to CentCom last year. Have you got a minute?"

Tommy stole a glance around at the dispersing crowd. "If you walk with me."

Leslie's smile widened. "I see. Lead the way," he said grandly and sketched a little half bow to match and then almost jumped a foot when Lin appeared as if out of thin air and draped an arm around him.

"Leslie, light of my life, what are you doing here?"

Tommy bit back a grin.

"Ah - I came to see you, actually," Leslie managed, a little wide-eyed still.

Lin's eyebrows did something complicated that resolved into surprised delight. "Really? I'm honored. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go in here."

Lin backed up four, five steps without looking and ducked down a tiny side corridor. The door handle turned at his second attempt with a horrendous screech and then they were alone under the harsh fluorescent lights.

"Okay, what's up?" Tommy asked.

Leslie examined his borderline-claustrophobic surroundings with great amusement. "Feels like I should have shades on just so I can take 'em off."

"You can borrow mine if you want. Bet they suit you better," Lin grinned, already fishing around in the pockets of his jacket - no, wait, that was Bill's jacket he'd stolen.

Leslie's mouth twitched. "No, no, I'm okay. Thanks. I...look." The flash of humor vanished as quickly as it had arrived. "I can't tell you how much I wanted not to have to do this. But things being how they are, I needed to tell you face to face. You deserve that much."

Swoop of dread in Tommy's stomach. Lin's hand found his, gripping so tight it hurt.

"Go on."

"Your Jaeger's not going to be repaired," Leslie said, very fast and very quietly. "They can't afford it with the current level of funding."

Being stabbed would've hurt less, and Tommy had been laid up five months the last time _that_ happened. In the first flush of it he was more angry at himself than anything else - he'd known the odds, should've been braced for this to happen. He might not be J-Tech but he knew perfectly well how much it cost to make a Jaeger, and he knew what kind of shape Knight Errant was in. He should've seen this coming instead of holding out hope like an idiot.

Lin was a void of silence beside him, not even the sound of his breathing, and then the hitched gasps of someone holding back tears.

Tommy swallowed to get the bitter taste out of his mouth. "Thanks for letting us know."

He sounded like a zombie; Leslie winced hearing it. His gaze darted to Lin's face and away again just as quickly. "I'm sorry."

"There wasn't anything you could've done," Lin said slowly, gathering strength and conviction as he went on. "I know that. So don't - don't."

Leslie's shoulders slumped in his elegant suit. "Yeah. There's not going to be an announcement. They haven't figured out what to do with you guys."

Tommy snorted. "What are they even worried about? It's not like anyone ever refuses to retire."

"No. But you're Project Voltron. If it ends like this…"

"They should be proud no matter how it ends," Tommy said. It came out fiercer than he'd intended, but he was glad for it. "We did good."

"Yeah. You did. That's why this is such a big deal," Leslie said.

Something about that finally unfroze Lin; he let go of his death grip on Tommy's hand and threw himself at Leslie, who returned his hug with some apprehension. "Thanks for the courtesy call, Leslie. I owe you one."

"No. That was one I owed you," Leslie said, almost too quiet for Tommy to catch, and then he was gone and Tommy had to find something to say that wasn't childish or awful or -

"Biggie can't go to Oblivion Bay."

It had been a hideous idea to begin with, the graveyard of dead Jaegers, and the thought of _their_ Jaeger being sent there to rot was repulsive.

"Of course not. Fate worse than death. I'd rather he got torn down for scraps," Lin said calmly, like they'd already had this conversation and made a decision and this was just a recap. He was still staring at the door. "You know the Academy's really gonna close? Downscaling when we actually need more investment, more research, more pilots. Unbelievable."

"Fucking hell."

Tommy's first thought was for Karen and Andy and everyone else who'd be losing their jobs. Then he remembered that Brooklyn kid with the curly hair - Anthony, that was his name - and face full of defiance and hope, who'd looked at Horizon Brave with so much longing it was almost palpable and reminded Tommy painfully of his own years of thwarted longing.

The Academy wasn't just a weird idea for a school out in the middle of nowhere. It was jobs and dreams and livelihoods and the future of the Program.

"I know."

The nice rant brewing in forefront of his mind died unspoken at the look on Lin's face. There was no need, anyway - Lin knew the arguments as well as he did.

Tommy heaved a long sigh, his anger deflating like a popped balloon. "Do they want to win this thing or not?"

"The Program's so incredibly expensive the numbers make my head hurt and everyone's had to give up so much across the board to make it happen. They're tired of doing the difficult thing with no end in sight and they're scared shitless. I get it." said Lin in a low murmur. He meant it, too, that was the damnedest thing - he hated this bullshit just as much as Tommy did, but the overabundance of empathy that had once enabled him to enter Drift wouldn't let him stand there battle-scarred and respond with anything but understanding.

Surely no one in the world could blame Tommy for falling just a bit for someone this ridiculous. He wasn't made of stone.

"Are you okay? And don't give me any tough guy bullshit, it doesn't suit you."

"Ha, I would never. Actually, I should - " Lin seemed to shrink all of a sudden. He stuck his hands in the pockets of his hoodie, and then thought better of it and pulled them out. Messed up his hair. "Okay. I'm about to go and get in a whole heap of trouble. Me and the PPDC? We're about to have a bad breakup. Epic-level bad. But you don't have to go down with me."

"I already did," Tommy said. As if there was a universe in which he'd, what, distance himself?

Lin apparently didn't find the idea as laughable, judging by the pleading look he turned on Tommy. "Don't be glib. This is your entire life. Think about it. Be smart."

_Not my entire life. Not anymore._

He was gone before Tommy could protest.

 

*

 

When Bill waved him over in a half-empty mess hall, Tommy approached the table like it was going to bite him.

"There's my second favorite Ranger. Come sit."

That was grossly complimentary - for Bill.

"Why are you being nice to me?" Tommy asked suspiciously.

"What, I can't be nice?" Bill came over all indignant for about five seconds, which was about as long as he could believably sustain it. "Fine, what's my ulterior motive?"

"I don't know yet but I'm going to figure it out," Tommy muttered, but he sat. "How's the mystery meat?"

"Disgusting, as always," Bill said dismissively. He was busy scanning the hall. "Hey, Vanessa! Over here!"

Tommy sucked in a breath. "You sneaky motherfucker."

Bill shrugged. "I was asked. Please don't run, I might actually die laughing if you do."

"Why would I run?" Tommy asked, not at all defensively.

"I dunno. But you look like you really, really want to," Bill said, which was rude and uncalled for and probably accurate.

Not that Tommy was admitting to anything. "You're full of shit."

Bill was too busy chewing a particularly tough mouthful to reply, although his eyeroll was eloquent enough on its own.

"If you're actually eating the mystery meat casserole, you're a braver man than I knew," Vanessa said cheerfully. "Hi, Tommy. Feels like it's been a while. You okay? Break any hearts lately?"

Tommy came very close to a coffee spit-take. As it was half of his mouthful went down the wrong pipe and his dramatic coughing fit at least saved him from having to answer.

Bill would've deserved being drenched, anyway, the bastard.

Vanessa watched him with raised eyebrows. "That was a joke, just to be clear. Do you need some water?"

"No, I'm good. Thanks for offering, though. This guy was too busy laughing at me." Tommy flicked a hand at the entirely unrepentant Bill.

"You gotta admit, it was funny."

"I'm going to remember this," Tommy vowed.

"All that aside…are you free?" Vanessa waited for his nod. "Cool. Let's go raid my wine stash."

"Now I'm jealous," Bill drawled.

Tommy ignored him. "What's this about?"

Vanessa gave him a look of exaggerated patience. "I got the impression you wanted to talk?"

"I don't - " Get the fuck over yourself, Tommy. "Actually, yeah. I do."

"Follow me," Vanessa said.

She set off without a backwards glance, leaving Tommy scrambling to follow, and then they were in a part of the Icebox he'd only ever visited because somebody made him.

The elevator they'd taken went even lower that the K-Science labs, to a floor vaguely labelled with only a circle. Vanessa waved open the doors with a key card and they stepped out into gleaming, well-lit corridors that felt like they belonged to a different building.

Vanessa clocked the discomfort that must've been all over his face. "Surely you've been down here for Steering Committee debriefs."

"Never willingly," Tommy muttered.

"First time for everything," said Vanessa cheerfully. "Through here."

_Here_ was a door labelled _Policy Advisor_ that slid open to reveal a small office with spotless white walls only interrupted by a massive print of _Starry Night Over the Rhône_ behind the small, cluttered desk and framed PPDC campaign posters on either side. One of the posters featured the silhouette of a woman holding a tablet and touted the K-Science recruitment program; the other was dominated by the awe-inspiring bulk of Knight Errant, and Tommy had to look away before he did something terminally embarrassing like burst into tears.

"Nice digs," Tommy said, meaning it, and because he was just that gifted, it came out flippant instead.

Not that Vanessa seemed to notice or care as she gestured him into the spare chair and dropped down into the high-backed one behind her desk. "Thanks. It's flat-out bribery - I didn't rate an office until they started sending me out to deal with CentCom. Now they know I'm good at it and they've run out of things to bribe me with. Bigger office's not really going to cut it."

"So the Academy tip-off - that was you?"

A brief flash of surprise, quickly scrubbed from Vanessa's face. "No, that was Matt."

True to her word, she brought out an unmarked bottle of red wine from the depths of her desk, and then two mugs she proceeded to fill.

Tommy took his with a murmured thank you. "Should've guessed."

Vanessa cradled her mug and stared into its depths for a long moment, and then she looked up. Nothing in particular had changed in her sweet face, but her dark gaze pinned Tommy in place like a specimen on a board. "Yeah, I thought _he_ was fucked up over Lin. But the last couple of weeks - you know, I really thought we'd sorted all this out."

The problem with Vanessa, Tommy was coming to realize, was that Lin had hooked them both on essentially the same promise and sometimes it was about as productive and as frustrating as talking to a wall.

"Not really. Unless we actually had a conversation about it and I just blocked it out."

Vanessa raised her eyebrows. "By all means, we can talk about you being in love with my boyfriend if you really want to." She paused just long enough for him to experience true terror. "No, I'm sorry, that was mean. You go."

"I know you don't want to talk about it. Believe me, I don't either. Frankly, I can't think of anything more painful, but I could really use some help."

Tommy tried for jokey and ended up landing somewhere perilously close to actual begging, which would've been embarrassing, maybe, if the situation wasn't precisely as Vanessa had just described it.

Vanessa looked him over consideringly, took a big gulp of her wine, then winced and took another. "Okay. What did you do."

He had not imagined that he might have to explain his fuckup. Where to even start?

"How did you realize? That - you know."

The corners of Vanessa's mouth turned up. "He had pretty eyes and he could dance salsa. So - straightaway."

"Seriously."

Some of the scary intensity left Vanessa's face, replaced by a wistful smile. "I liked how smart he was, and how kind he was about it. Most smart guys just aren't, or they don't know to take care. They're so bright they don't need it, because people tend to let them off the hook. Lin always takes care with people. I remember the first meeting he came to, thinking how scary and impressive it was to see someone own a room like that. So yeah, I knew straightaway, but I kept it from myself for a good while. You know the feeling."

"Kind of wish I didn't," Tommy said quietly.

Vanessa looked at him like he'd declared a preference for Rick Ross over Rakim. "Really?"

If he could wring himself dry he'd at least consider it. Just to make things easier.

"At this point, where's it going to get me?"

Felt like tearing his chest open to say it out loud. His voice shook a little by the end and her face softened.

"Depends on what you want. What does riding off into the sunset look like for you?"

"I've been trying to figure that out," Tommy admitted. "It's just hard with all the uncertainty."

Vanessa frowned. "You're gonna have to be more specific."

He was afraid of that.

"I - uh. I said something I shouldn't have to Lin. Or I didn't say something I should've. Either way, he's mad at me, and I don't know - "

" - what you're allowed to do?" Vanessa said, almost gently.

Tommy covered his face with his hands. "I'm going to go steal a helicopter, fly it out to the middle of the ocean and throw myself into the Breach."

Vanessa broke into a snorting laugh. "Come on, it's not that bad. Stop whining."

"You're not being fair," Tommy muttered.

Vanessa's nose wrinkled, which set off some primeval fear response in Tommy's hindbrain, but she just laughed at him some more. "I'm trying to help you, dummy, solely out of the goodness of my heart. Someone else in my position would just watch you squirm."

"So why aren't you?"

"I guess I sympathize," Vanessa said evenly.

"You sympathize," Tommy repeated.

Vanessa's laugh this time was close to a cackle. "Okay, stop, stop. If we keep going like this the world'll be overrun by Kaiju and we'll still be here trying and failing to have an actual conversation while denying that feelings exist."

That _was_ actually pretty funny. "I don't know, that sounds like a good time. Preferable to some of the alternatives."

Vanessa gestured at him with her half-empty mug."See? I know your type because I'm it. But Lin - Lin doesn't let you off the hook."

Tommy knew that better than anyone. He wouldn't have been a Ranger otherwise.

"No. He's - "

Frighteningly focused and determined. Kind. Believes in people more than they believe in themselves. Somehow there were both too many words and not enough.

"An extraordinary person," Vanessa said quietly. "His dad said that to me the first time we met. As, like, a fact. Actually, he was probably trying to warn me. I really didn't want to date a Jaeger pilot, you know."

"We're not so bad," Tommy said. He managed to get through it deadpan; the politely skeptical face Vanessa made in response could've made a grown man crumble at 50 paces. "I'm joking. We're terrible. Especially when dating non-Rangers, or so I've heard."

More than once Tommy had been on the receiving end of _thank_ _god_ _you're not like those other guys,_ before they found out that he was in fact not that different from those other guys. He just hid it better.

"Well, you are a band of cliquey reckless thrill-seeking workaholics."

"Harsh but accurate," Tommy conceded.

"And Lin's worse than the rest of you put together. He makes it impossible to be dishonest with yourself. It's like his superpower. And I need that, but not all the time. That's a little too much."

Run that through his emotionally-guarded-to-human translator, and he thought he knew what she was trying to say. But for once he needed more than unspoken assumptions. It was kind of the whole ballgame.

"So I'm…backup?"

Tommy could've smacked himself the moment the words came out of his mouth, but Vanessa - kind, forgiving Vanessa - just shook her head at him.

"You're smarter than that."

"Sorry," Tommy said sheepishly. "You aren't secretly plotting to kill me in my sleep, are you?"

Vanessa rolled her eyes. "Stop it. I'm not an obstacle standing in the way of what you want. Get that out of your head."

"Aren't you?"

"I'm not. You are. And I'm gonna tell you what an occasionally wise person once told me: let yourself go after what you want. Let yourself be happy." Vanessa sat back in her chair, spread her arms. "Haven't you heard, Tommy? The world's ending. What are you gonna do with the time you've got?"

Tommy made himself meet her even and expectant stare. "Go after what I want. If I'm allowed."

She didn't let the words lie between them long. "I thought I'd told you. You're allowed." Pause, while Tommy let out the breath he'd been holding for what felt like months. "You don't seem to be jumping for joy. That's disappointing, if I'm honest."

A part of Tommy pointed out that he had not jumped for joy since he was a kid, strictly speaking, unless one counted that time in Manila. And that time in San Diego. And all the times he could think of had one thing in common - the presence of the person who put out so much happiness that it infected even the grumpiest bastards around him.

Until recently, that is.

"Uh. He's still mad at me, remember? Tell me how to fix it?"

"I can't do all the work around here," Vanessa sighed. "Fine. Grand romantic gestures. Lin loves that shit."

She said it with such exasperation and affection that Tommy got a chill down his spine. "I want to say 'thank you' here but that feels wrong."

"Thank me anyway."

"Thank you. I don't know that I'd be as generous in your position," Tommy said.

Vanessa made a face. "I'm not generous. I'm practical. You remember the night we met?"

Vanessa dazzling in that bright yellow dress, and Lin's smile as he looked at her the only brighter thing in the makeshift ballroom. "I remember."

"Some things are really obvious from the outside, okay?" Vanessa said carefully. "Let's just call it even."

That was too kind by far; she was never obliged to defer to Tommy when he was being the most oblivious person in Alaska, except in the most elementary _I saw him first_ sense. But he was in no position to argue the point.

"I'm a little disappointed you aren't threatening me," he said, trying for light. "You break his heart, I break your face?...you're right, that's too much of a cliche. Still. The question stands."

"No. Disappointed?"

"Maybe a little."

"Why would I? Think of it this way. Do you feel sorry for Matt?"

"Hard not to," Tommy admitted.

"I don't. We're from the same block in Manhattan, you know, Lin and I. I trip over people he's dated every time I go back there." Vanessa had dimples when she really smiled. "I'm never letting him go. He knows that."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *ducks more fruit*
> 
> Sorry, I know I said one more last time. But I mean it this time!
> 
>   1. [Leslie being intimidated by Lin is a real thing](http://stickmarionette.tumblr.com/post/155937232510/for-his-birthday-heres-leslie-odom-jr-alex).
>   2. Oblivion Bay aka the Jaeger graveyard is a real, canon thing!
>   3. The Academy closing is also a real, canon thing.
>   4. If for some reason you haven't read Lin and Vanessa's [Vows column](http://www.nytimes.com/2010/09/12/fashion/weddings/12VOWS.html), you really should. Oh and [her interview with the National Engineering Forum](http://nationalengineeringforum.com/engineer-vanessa-adriana-nadal/).
>   5. ["Haven't you heard, Mr Becket? The world's coming to an end."](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G8FNoWimI-c)
> 

> 
> Soon. <3 you guys.


	6. Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Endings and beginnings.

**[months ago, before Seattle]**

 

That night after the party for the Archimedes techs with Outkast and Lin dancing salsa with Quiara on the table and far, far too many drinks, they'd stumbled back to Tommy's room and sprawled out untidily half on top of each other on his bed.

Tommy wrangled down a wave of rising nausea with great effort and was all of a sudden oddly lucid, Lin's toast from earlier echoing in his head where the haze had been.

_"Tonight we feast, for tomorrow we die."_

"Do you ever....wonder how this ends?"

"With a crash and a bang, most likely," Lin said lazily.

Tommy winced. "Can you not."

"I'm just going by the stats."

"That's not even what I meant. I was _talking_ about everyone. You know - the Program. What do the Kaiju want with us? If we keep killing them, are they gonna run out? Stop? Or do we just keep doing this until we're out of resources and go live in underground bunkers?"

Lin rolled over and half sat up so he could loom over Tommy and fix him with those far-too-sharp eyes. Way too intense for the amount of alcohol he'd let everyone else pour down his throat. "What's got into you?"

"Just thinking. What, you're the only one who's allowed to be fatalistic?"

"I'm not fatalistic. I'm an optimist." He ignored Tommy's gentle snort. "Let me tell you something good, something I've never told anybody. You ready?"

Tommy's next breath came weirdly short. "Hit me."

"We're going to win," Lin said very seriously. "There'll be an end, and we won't just survive. We'll win. Do you believe me?"

Lord, but he wanted to.

"How many impossible things is that?"

Lin shrugged. "Not too many."

"If I say I believe you will you settle down and sleep? I think I'm actually getting drunker just breathing air."

"Aw, poor Tommy." Lin bent and kissed his forehead. "Sleep now. Impossible things in the morning."

 

**[present day]**

 

_The Death of the Dream: An inside look at the problems plaguing the Pan Pacific Defense Corps, the most admired public force of our time_

_By Brandon Victor Dixon_

_...those at Central Command are braced for the results of the investigation into the Seattle attacks, scheduled to be delivered later this week. The early draft we obtained heaps further criticism on the cuts in funding that led to a 60% decrease in staffing levels at the Los Angeles and Anchorage Shatterdomes in the past year, and as few as three fully functional Jaegers stationed in the US._

_The situation is unlikely to improve in the near future. Sources within Central Command and at the Anchorage Shatterdome have confirmed to us that the badly damaged Jaeger Knight Errant is to be scrapped. For months following the Seattle attack the public watched PPDC crews fetch bits of Knight Errant out of Elliott Bay, with no hint as to the future of one of the Program's most decorated Jaegers, piloted by one of its most admired Ranger teams, Lin-Manuel Miranda and Thomas Kail._

_The decision to scrap the Jaeger was kept quiet to prevent a public backlash...._

 

*

 

> _Vanessa: boom Tommy: I've never had so many messages and press queries_
> 
> _Tommy: groff must be going spare_
> 
> _V_ _anessa: oh he loves it_
> 
> _Vanessa: remember what I said_
> 
> _Tommy: I do, don't worry_

 

Life forestalled any attempt by Tommy to plan some sort of grand romantic gesture. The entire previously inactive Voltron crew were now working around the clock to salvage what remained of their Jaeger for useable parts, and that included Lin and Tommy.

It was good, actually. Kind of like old times. Tommy resented having to stop when he and Lin got paged to go to an emergency, private debrief with an extremely obnoxious bureaucrat from CentCom. He was even more annoyed when he realised what the "emergency" was and not particularly inclined to be tactful.

"What do you want us to do about it?"

Lin stood on his foot, although he had to be at least as annoyed, and Tommy got the message and snapped his mouth shut.

"No, no. We want to do something for you. A celebration," said the man. What was his name? Michael? Something like that.

Lin didn't speak, just stared unwaveringly at the man's face, and Tommy through long experience knew that the best thing to do when Lin was in this kind of mood was to step back and let him work.

"It'll be tasteful. Just a small ceremony. I'm sure there are a lot of people around the world who want the opportunity to say goodbye to such an iconic Jaeger."

"Sure," Lin finally said. "Why don't you do that."

He was so affable that any hint of disdain cut like a hot knife through butter, and CentCom Man visibly wilted, although he tried hard to obscure it with more bluster.

"Look. I know things have been tense recently, what with the investigation and all. You're entitled to be a little put out. So I'm here to tell you not to worry about that. Off the record, of course. You're not in trouble."

"I'm glad to hear that," Lin said evenly.

More wilting. Tommy bit back laughter with an effort.

"Will you speak at the event? At least one of you."

Of all the - Tommy opened his mouth to refuse point-blank, probably with a few rude words added in, but Lin beat him to it.

"All right. If that's what you want."

"And a few interviews after? Nothing too major - "

"Of course. Whatever you need."

That was too easy-going even for Lin. CentCom Man's eyes narrowed in suspicion. "You're not going to make trouble for us, are you?"

"Of course not. When have I ever done that?" Lin said. He smiled real pretty and even though Tommy knew it was textbook manipulative behavior and he wasn't even the intended target, he could feel himself melting.

He never stood a chance.

 

*

 

In the days leading up to what Lin persistently referred to as the Jaeger funeral, Tommy had second and third and fourth thoughts about agreeing to speak and then about showing up to the whole awful charade at all.

Maybe he could pretend to be sick. Maybe he could get sick.

He said as much to Karen, who'd come over from Kodiak for the occasion, and she laughed in his face.

"Don't waste my time."

"I'm serious."

She squinted at him. "Are you telling me you'd leave Lin to deal with all that shit on his own? You?"

Tommy deflated. "Yeah, you're right. And I'd feel like I'd let the side down."

"That pesky sense of duty. That's how they get you," Karen said. Lightly, but with a twist to her mouth that Tommy would recognize from fifty paces.

Tommy raised an eyebrow. "I thought we were talking about me."

She threw a napkin at him.

 

*

 

Tommy couldn't sleep a wink the night before. He got up early and bleary-eyed, splashed some water on his face and put on his nice suit, which someone - probably Jon - had thankfully taken away and rescued from its previously disastrous state. He'd scribbled out a speech in bits and pieces in frequent breaks from trying to fall asleep, and the crumbled piece of paper felt heavy in his pocket.

It really did feel like attending a funeral. What looked like the entire population of the Icebox was crammed onto the rooftop and a podium had been set up so that the Brawler monument loomed over it. Cameras and speakers and screens everywhere.

Tommy's face must've been a picture; no one dared approach him as he made his way up to the front until Daveed rose up from out of nowhere, Rafa in tow, and both as serious as he'd ever seen them.

Daveed patted his shoulder and said, very low, "We're here for you, buddy. Not because anybody told us."

"Thanks," Tommy said, surprised when it came out cracked. First word he'd said all morning.

That broke the dam, or maybe Daveed was just that easy to spot in a crowd. Renee hugged him so hard his ribs creaked. Vanessa did too, whispering into his hair.

"We're gonna be fine no matter what happens. Nod if you get me."

Not really, truth be told, although Tommy felt unaccountably better all the same, and he nodded when she pulled back to peer at him.

"Have you seen Lin?"

"Jon's cooing over him and wiping his brow. Or at least I assume that's what happens. Over there." She pointed off to the side.

Tommy quickly decided discretion was the better part of valor and he would be a fool to inquire about the first part of her answer.

Jon worked in the public relations department and he was damn good at his job, which meant he spent a lot of time attached to Lin. All of _that_ meant it took Tommy a while to trust that Jon's enthusiasm about Lin was genuine, and not just based on his preternatural ability to be charming on TV and raise money for the PPDC.

To be fair, it was probably both.

Jon was not, in fact, wiping Lin's brow; they were huddled together talking very fast and very quiet. Lin looked up at Tommy's approach and smiled, far more fulsomely than Tommy could manage. He was in a sombre dark suit, and for the first time Tommy could remember was actually wearing his victory patches - Anchorage multiple times over, San Jose, Acapulco, Manila, Vancouver…even Seattle. He kept touching them as if surprised to find them there on his sleeve.

"Am I interrupting?" Tommy asked.

Lin rolled his eyes. "No, come over here. It's okay. Groff's one of the good guys, didn't I tell you?"

"Not that I remember," Tommy said dryly.

From where he was standing, Jon's expression of mock-outrage seemed perilously close to the real thing. "Are you kidding me? I'd die for him. Well. At the very least I'd knife some of these idiots."

Lin swooned straight into Jon's arms. "My hero. My, ah, worryingly homicidal hero."

"You love it."

"Maybe."

Lin fluttered his lashes, bit his lip against a grin, and Tommy would heartily mock the sappy adoring look on Jon's face if he had any room at all to talk.

"I can't decide if I'm touched or concerned. Both?" he said instead.

" _You_ have nothing to worry about," Jon said cheerfully. "But I don't know about anyone dumb enough to let Lin in front of a camera after all this. Seriously, what are CentCom playing at? They mustn't have any real idea how popular Jaeger pilots are, especially in places like the US. You're vets without the military baggage. I'm surprised none of you have run for office yet."

At this Jon gave Lin a significant look, and Lin shrugged uneasily.

"You sound like my dad. Rangers gotta survive long enough first. That's the hard part."

"You did. You won the fucking lottery. That's what kills me, you know? That somehow this is the good ending," Jon said with sudden vehemence.

A splashy ceremony held to douse public outrage and being used as props to advance an agenda deadly to the future of the human race. Yeah, Tommy wasn't too enthused about it, either.

"Trust me, it is," Lin murmured. "Speaking of, is that Michael I see headed this way?"

Jon acquired a haunted look. "Oh for - I'll go head him off."

"Thanks, you're magic." Lin hugged Jon tighter before sending him on his way.

"Remember - livestream starts in fifteen," Jon threw out over his shoulder, and he might as well have dumped a bucket of cold water over Tommy's head.

He'd almost let himself forget the rest - the speech burning a hole in his pocket, the podium, the cargo ship they'd helped load out on the harbour.

"Lin, shouldn't we - "

Tommy's words died in his throat as Lin took a step closer and started fiddling with his tie.

"You look terrible," he said quietly.

Tommy winced. "Thanks. That really helps."

"I mean it. Did you sleep at all?"

"A bit."

Lin's hands paused on his shoulders. "...you don't have to deal with any of this. I could handle it."

Tommy didn't doubt he could; that wasn't the point.

"I know. I want to."

"....you sure?" Lin asked in a very small voice.

"No. Not really. But I need to be here." Tommy was surprised to find that he meant it. Family aside, almost everyone he cared about was here. Screw the official trappings. They'd make it into something for them. "How're you holding up?"

"I'm fine," Lin said tonelessly.

"Uh uh. Sure you are."

"I am." Lin leaned closer and stretched up to whisper into his ear. "It's the wizard who should be afraid of me."

He pulled back with a smile that was burned into Tommy's memory from every battle they'd ever fought, one that he'd felt more than seen and would associate forever with the precious, triumphant instant in which they figured out exactly how to win.

Ah, so it was possible to look at someone and feel so utterly toweringly in love that he could burst from it. Good to know.

"And don't ask to be involved. Don't you get it? I'm letting you go. You can still stay in the Program."

Tommy spared a moment to marvel at how Lin, who was so perceptive about people, who knew everything worth knowing about Tommy, could be so badly wrong about his priorities.

"What if I don't want to stay?"

Lin's eyes went wide.

"What are you - "

The overhead speakers crackled.

"May I have your attention, please. We're going to make a start."

"Be sure," Lin said under his breath as they turned to face the podium.

_I am. I've never been more sure about anything in my life._

 

*

 

Over what felt like the next three hours, Tommy attempted to imitate Lin's mask of benevolent interest through speech after speech. At least the frequent applause breaks they had to fill made it easier to keep his hands warm.

Finally, the last of the CentCom guests - one of the Marshals, although not one Tommy knew - seemed to be coming to the end of his.

"The city of Seattle has announced today that it will erect a monument in part comprised of the intact chestpiece of Knight Errant in honor of its service. The PPDC has accordingly agreed to gift this piece. It will be transported to Seattle by cargo ship and today we are gathered to see it on its way."

"So like a viking funeral, but terrible," Rafa said in an undertone.

"Not really," Quiara muttered from beside Tommy. "But I take the point."

"I now ask the pilots of Knight Errant, Rangers Lin-Manuel Miranda and Thomas Kail, to say a few words."

Lin tugged at his shirtsleeve. "Let's go."

The short walk to the podium felt like miles, and then they were gazing into a sea of upturned faces. Tommy tried his best to avoid looking directly at anyone until he spotted Anthony acting like the world's most ridiculous soccer dad, complete with an exaggerated thumbs up, and had to subtly pinch himself to avoid giggling hysterically in front of the entire Icebox.

Lin stepped up to the mic, game face on. Flicked a glance at the camera capturing all this for the wider, intended audience.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here to farewell the artist formerly known as the Notorious B.I.G."

The sullen silence that had reigned on the rooftop until now lifted like magic for a wave of cheering. Renee pumped her arms.

"I won't lie to you. It's a sad day for us. And thanks to all the messages we've had since the news leaked, we know that Knight Errant also meant a lot to many of you out there. So many of you! That's really amazing and touching, and it makes all of this worthwhile."

Lin sounded like he always did on camera - confident, steady, somehow like he was speaking to everyone and to each individual person at the same time. Only Tommy was close enough to see his knuckles go white with tension as they clutched at the edge of the podium, and his hands shaking as he forced himself to let go and beckon Tommy forward.

Tommy's voice didn't want to work on the first try. He coughed and tried again, forcing the words out by sheer force of will.

"Uh - hi. For the sake of everyone standing here, I'm going to try to be brief." Laughter. He took a deep breath and went on. "I remember the first time I saw Knight Errant. Years ago now, before I was a Ranger. I so desperately wanted to be one, and when I saw this - this magnificent thing - I remember fantasizing about what it'd be like if I was one of the pilots. And - it was better than I could imagine."

Roaring in his ears like a steam train, like a Jaeger crashing to earth at top speed.

"To everyone who made him run, thank you. I - it's been an honor. And - "

He had more planned - if this was an eulogy for not just a Jaeger but for the lives they'd built it needed more, deserved more - but none of it wanted to come out.

_I used to think if it ended any minute, I'd be okay with it, because how many people actually get exactly what they want out of life?_

_During the worst of the time before Voltron, I used to think that we were all each of us alone in the universe, but I was so wrong and I'm so happy to be wrong._

The words stuck in his throat. He gulped for air and was suddenly holding back tears, perilously close to the dry, heaving sobs he'd last experienced as a kid, feeling so much that it sat heavy on his chest and choked him. In the crowd, he spotted Alex wiping furiously at his eyes.

" - for us both," Lin finished for him, stepping up closer to the microphone. Under the podium, he took Tommy's hand in his and held it tight. The shock of warmth against his cold, clammy skin was as good as a defibrillator. Tommy's next breath came easier and Lin curved a small, secret smile noticing it before he turned back to the crowd and the cameras.

"Some of you know this, so I'll say it real quick - I grew up around Jaegers. Spent a lot of my time working on them, not just this one. They're just machines, you guys. Big, clunky machines that need a village to keep 'em running. That's you guys standing here with your feet going numb, and everybody who's ever given up something to keep the Jaeger Program going. So - that's everyone." He patted his victory patches. "See that? That's not just me and Tommy. You did that. Thank you."

Lin kept his voice steady but Tommy could hear tears at the edge, in the pauses as he went on.

"On a personal note - if you'll permit me a personal note, because, um. Because this is the last time I'll be standing in front of you as a Ranger."

Judging by the stunned silence that ensued, followed by disquieted murmuring, Tommy had unfairly maligned the general population of the Icebox as gossips.

"So I just wanted to say one more thing. I've only ever wanted two things out of life: to fall in love and to fight in a Jaeger. Luckily, the PPDC gave me both."

Another pause, this time for laughter. Lin wasn't shaky at all, now. He was forceful and certain and as immovable as the monument towering over them, lit up from within and impossible to look away from.

"So I might be a little biased. But I believe it's the last best hope we have, at a time when we have to deal with more challenges than ever. Forget building walls and finding another planet and retreating underground; that's all fantasyland stuff. Let's talk about how we're going to keep protecting people the best we can, right here. Thank you. We love you."

The thunderous roar of applause that followed felt like standing in a jetstream. There was Rafa stomping his steel-capped boots and Javier cheering near the front and Jon giving them the thumbs up at the back - and a range of uneasy-to-annoyed-to-pissed expressions on the faces of the CentCom crowd.

There was Vanessa, standing slightly apart from the rest of the Steering Committee group and wearing an enigmatic smile.

Tommy leaned over and spoke into Lin's ear. He meant to say thanks for rescuing him from what might've been the most excruciating moment of his life, but instead what came out was, "for fuck's sake, stop making me look bad."

To his great credit, Lin kept his I'm-on-camera face on, although his smile acquired a wicked twist. "You think that went okay?"

"Yeah, I think it went okay."

 

*

 

Afterwards, they watched the enormous cargo ship carrying Knight Errant's chestpiece on its slow journey from the harbor. Tommy had expected the crowd to get smaller - it was getting cold and dark up on the rooftop and there wasn't really much to see other than a fuzzy shape moving on the water - but almost no one left, and a solemn hush held.

"This too shall pass," Lin said in a quiet, choked up voice. "That's what my mom always says."

"And does it?"

"She's never been wrong."

Tommy slipped a tentative arm around Lin's shoulder, ready to pull away at the slightest hint of discomfort, and was left feeling pathetically grateful when Lin tucked himself in close against his side. In the approaching dusk his solidarity and warmth felt like a lifeline.

Just as it got too dark to make out the ship on the water, the sky over the harbor lit up in a blaze of fireworks. Lights bloomed like flowers on the horizon and the silence broke into gasps and whistling.

Tommy felt himself smile for the first time all day. "Fireworks for burnt bridges. Kind of poetic. Did you know about this?"

Lin shook his head. "Must've been Groff."

Definitely one of the good guys.

"Thank him for me."

With an enormous final burst of spiraling green sparks, the sky finally went dark.

Lin turned his head, close enough that his breath tickled Tommy's ear. "Hey, Tommy. Remember what I said when you met Biggie?"

How could he forget bonding with Lin over being 90s hip-hop nerds?

"I remember. You said he'd be immortal."

"He is now."

 

*

 

_GR: We're live at the Anchorage Shatterdome where a solemn farewell ceremony just took place for the Jaeger Knight Errant, which was destroyed in the defence of Seattle. The decision to scrap this Jaeger, one of the few left in America, has led critics to question if there's a future for the PPDC in its current form. To discuss this important topic, I'm now joined by the co-pilots of Knight Errant, Lin-Manuel Miranda and Tommy Kail. Hi guys._

_LMM: Hi, Gabrielle. Have you met Tommy?_

_GR: I don't believe I have._

_TK: Nice to meet you._

_GR: Likewise. You guys gave great speeches up there._

_TK: Thanks._

_GR: Can I ask about what you said? Specifically you, Lin._

_LMM: Of course._

_GR: What did you mean when you spoke about the future of the PPDC? It sure sounded like you were talking about more than just Knight Errant._

_LMM: You've probably read the same articles I have._

_GR: A lot of unconfirmed rumors floating around. Rumors about decommissioning more Jaegers and Shatterdome closures, and no one from Central Command's stepped up to deny any of it. Is this really the end of the PPDC as we know it?_

_LMM: I hope not. The PPDC's one of our finest collective achievements. No one could imagine the world coming together like this before it happened, and it's worked beyond our wildest dreams._

_But we got complacent. Encounter rates are going up. The Kaiju are getting smarter, and their attacks are getting more frequent. Now it looks like our government no longer believes in the program. We're scared of the cost, worried we've left ourselves too open to others._

_Our leaders want us to stop reaching out, to build walls and cower behind them waiting for death to come, and other countries are following our lead. With the funding shortfalls, no wonder the Program's having to down-scale._

_We can still win this. I believe that. But we can't do it without re-dedicating ourselves to the fight._

_GR: Well, I certainly appreciate your candor. You announced today that you were no longer a Ranger. Do you see yourself staying involved with the future of the Program?_

_LMM: I joined the Jaeger Program as a kid because I've always believed it to be the best - the only - way to protect people from this massive, existential threat we face. I still want to fight for people however I can. That hasn't changed. But it just won't be in a Jaeger._

_GR: What about you, Tommy?_

_TK: I'm with Lin, whatever he does next. We're sort of a package deal. That is, if he'll have me._

_LMM: Jaeger or no, we're going to keep doing what we've been doing. So. Watch this space._

 

*

 

"...did you see Riedel's face, my God. Someone's in trouble," Anthony was saying with a slight but noticeable slur as the hangar doors slid open and Lin and Tommy strode through.

What had formerly been an orderly mess of a room with control panels and monitor banks and testing equipment piled all over had been completely stripped down. Even Bill and Alex's chairs were gone. Not that a lack of furniture was ever going to stop the rest of Voltron from camping out here with a frankly alarming amount of alcohol. By the looks of it, they'd just gotten creative. Tommy was pretty sure Alex was sitting on part of a Jaeger finger joint.

Well, why not. Tommy sat down beside him. It was surprisingly comfortable.

"What's this? You guys drinking without us?"

"We were going to wait to start, but somebody took forever getting through those interviews," Quiara said, fully unabashed. She did, however, struggle up from the piece of scrap she'd claimed as a lounge chair to pour them drinks - rum and coke for Lin, and gin for Tommy - which at least put her one up on everybody else.

"For some reason everyone wanted to talk to us," Tommy said wryly.

"We saw. You did good," Alex said.

"About time someone looked those assholes in the eye and told them what we all thought," Bill added, and followed up by mauling Lin in something that might've been a hug in an alternate universe.

Lin let him go on for a few seconds, then turned, locked his arms around Bill's chest and made it into a real hug. "I didn't do it just to piss off a few assholes, asshole."

Bill very vigorously messed up Lin's hair. Either he was being a 5 year old or that was an attempt at affection; Tommy still couldn't really tell. "But it was a nice bonus, right? C'mon, you can tell me."

"You don't have to answer," Anthony drawled. "But your silence may lead us to make assumptions."

Lin extracted himself from Bill, shuffled sideways and squeezed in between Tommy and Alex. There really wasn't enough room for three even reasonably slight people on there, but he didn't seem to care. He giggled into the very large glass of rum and coke Quiara had shoved at him. "Nah. We're playing chess, not checkers."

"You do what you have to do, bro," said Alex, making everyone else stare at him in astonishment. "What? There aren't gonna be any Shatterdomes left in the country soon. You know it."

Anthony winced theatrically. "Quit making me sad, dude. I don't wanna be sad when I'm drinking."

"It's not all bad," Lin said. He frowned at Tommy's hollow laugh. "No, don't laugh, I mean it. You wanna hear something good? Marshal Pentecost emailed me."

Scrape of metal as everyone in the room sat up at once, including Tommy. "What? You can't just leave it at that."

"Wasn't going to," Lin grinned. "It was a really short email. Just said 'fought for you. Sorry it wasn't enough.'"

Anthony shook his head. "Damn. That's amazing."

Bill made a show of looking around the room. "Busy man, the Marshal," he said slowly.

"Please stop trying to be cryptic. You're freaking me out," Quiara said.

"I was trying to be all tactful and shit for once. Jeez. Okay, fine. How many of us are moving to Hong Kong to work on the Marshal's secret mission? Hands up."

Bill raised his own hand. Anthony's hand shot up. Quiara sort of waved hers. Slowly, looking around like he expected to be yelled at, Alex followed suit, visibly untensing when Lin gave him an encouraging smile and squeezed his shoulder.

Then for some reason everyone started staring at Tommy.

"What? I said what I was doing live on TV. I assume some of you heard me."

Bill leaned over and clapped him on the back so hard his makeshift chair scraped on the floor. "Good man. Took you a while, but you finally got there."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Tommy demanded, but he could see out of the corner of his eye how Lin had brightened at the reminder and couldn't really bring himself to care about the rest.

Which was fortunate, because Anthony predictably seized his moment to pile on. "I have to say, I'm pleasantly surprised. Making Mr I Don't Have Feelings admit he had a heart all along might be our greatest collective achievement."

"I don't act like I'm above having feelings," Tommy mumbled. He wasn't nearly drunk enough to decide whether he wanted to be heard or not.

Fortunately, Lin spoke loudly enough to cover him. "What's this 'we' business?"

"Okay, you did most of the work. We helped," Bill said. "That aside, surely our greatest achievement is that time in Miami with Diggs and - "

"Hush," Lin said quickly. He was blushing, to Tommy's general astonishment.

"This you have to tell me about."

Lin tucked his face in against Tommy's shoulder. "Nope. I'm way too sober for that."

Quiara caught Tommy's eye over Lin's head, winked and mouthed _tell you later_. "What about London? You know, the other super classified thing we aren't meant to talk about ever? That's my favorite."

"Yeah, it was great except for the stabbing. Remember the stabbing?" Tommy said wrlyly.

The super classified thing in London had involved the single dumbest most impulsive act of bravado Tommy had ever committed. And since he'd spent years as a Ranger, that was really saying something.

He could blame Lin-induced insanity for that one too, come to think of it.

"The stabbing was uncool," Anthony agreed, although he'd sat up a little at the mere mention of their only Jaeger-less mission, just like everyone else. "Other than that, though....It was fucking exquisite, wasn't it? _Ocean's Eleven_ with Kaiju bits."

"Little bit less glamorous than that," Lin grinned.

"If only it wasn't classified we could sell film rights."

"There are many, many reasons that would not be a good idea," Quiara said.

Bill glanced around the room suspiciously. "I feel like I'm missing something. Go on."

"How much time have you got?"

"All night, buddy. We ain't going anywhere."

 

*

 

Tommy woke with a far gentler hangover than he deserved. At first blush he bitterly regretted opening his eyes, but as the night before came back to him in snatches, he realized just how lucky he was to feel only a little undead. At least he'd managed to get undressed, although he didn't remember the fine details.

"Morning," Lin said, from his perch on Tommy's chair pulled up next to the bed, looking terrifyingly bright-eyed and far too cheerful for whatever tiny amount of sleep he'd had.

"How are you so - " Tommy made a feeble attempt at gesturing.

Lin snorted. "I'm not really allowed to drink anymore. Here." He held out a glass with one hand and pills with the other.

Tommy struggled into a half-seated position against the headboard, took them off Lin and consumed both the full glass of water and the aspirin. "You're a saint."

"Mmm, I know. Anything else?"

There was something funny in Lin's tone of voice - Tommy was definitely not awake enough for this. He squinted against the low light cast by the bedside lamp, trying and failing to read anything in Lin's cheerfully inscrutable face.

"C'mon, I can't talk to you when you're backlit."

Lin shrugged. "You don't like it when I'm far away, you don't like it when I'm too close…"

"You know that's not true," Tommy mumbled.

"Do I know that? I don't think I know that. You can stop freaking out, it's not a big deal," Lin said.

"Uh - Lin. Are we good?"

"Why would we not be good?" Lin asked. He managed to sound genuinely puzzled.

"I...said some things. You know."

"Oh, that. I was mad. I got over it." He took one look at Tommy's face and giggled. "What? You don't like that I'm not mad?"

"I - you're - " Tommy gave up. "Any sense of reason went out the window months ago. I'm still looking for it. I've put out posters."

"Drama queen," Lin said fondly.

Tommy gaped at him. "I'm the drama queen? Excuse me? C'mon, be nice. I know you know how."

"Sure that's what you want?" Lin said, in the same light, teasing tone he said a lot of things, and that until recently Tommy had classified as just Lin being Lin, and Lin in his infinite mercy had let him get away with it.

Hadn't Tommy resolved that there would be no more of that? "I don't know - I'm not - "

"It's okay," Lin said quickly. Too quickly. "It doesn't have to be that, remember? It doesn't have to be anything. I'm not pining away."

_Lin doesn't let you off the hook_ , Vanessa had said, except Lin had been letting Tommy off the hook for years and Tommy hadn't even noticed. He'd managed to make Lin of all people cautious.

_Come on, you coward. Fix this._

"That's not - Lin. Come here."

"Ask nicely," Lin said, which was downright cruel, but he did leave the chair in favour of throwing himself on the bed and Tommy immediately regretted asking.

If he had to have this conversation in his current state with Lin on his bed in nothing but threadbare boxers and a tattered undershirt, this was going to be even worse for his dignity that he'd thought.

The boxers had Garfield on them and were worn enough that the elastic had gone. Lin hadn't bothered pushing them back up his hips when he sat down.

Tommy dragged his gaze back up just a little too late. Lin blinked slowly at him. "Oh. I didn't think you _really_ wanted - "

"Don't be mean."

"I'm not," Lin said softly. "We've been over this. I'm trying to be good. Giving you space. If you don't want that, then you gotta ask. That's how it works. If you can't ask we probably shouldn't."

"I do. Want you," Tommy blurted. Once he'd started, it was harder to stop. "Way before I knew about it, I was already - and you know how much of a mind-fuck that is?"

Lin's smile dimmed. "I have some idea, yeah. That's why I didn't wanna - I've seen what happens when I make assumptions."

With the application of enough pain, even someone as open and fearless as Lin could be taught to avoid risk.

Tommy couldn't add to that. He'd never forgive himself.

"Lin. I don't know what I have to - no, that's not right. This is going to probably come out all wrong, but I'm saying it anyway, because I didn't get to say it properly yesterday. I'm sticking around for as long as you'll have me. That's nothing to do with the Program."

Lin's eyes went wide as saucers.

"I know you said - but I didn't think you'd - " Lin had to stop to take a big gulp of air and when he let it out his shoulders shook - and those were big fat tears rolling down his face.

Tommy thought about faking a medical emergency. Nevermind that his chest felt so tight he might as well have been about to have an actual medical emergency.

"What? What did I say?"

Lin shook his head violently, took another couple of deep breaths and wiped at his face. His eyes were still wet but his smile was radiant.

"Nothing, dummy. I'm happy. God, do you know - of course you don't. What did you think was bothering me all this time?"

Tommy glanced pointedly at the Knight Errant print on his wall. "Other than the obvious?"

More than once he'd marvelled to himself at how much and how intensely Lin loved being a Ranger - more than most people ever loved anything. And he'd had it taken from him so brutally. Would've been weird if he hadn't felt it.

But here Lin was, laughing. "Come on, you think I've never thought about what's next? It's got nothing to do with that. Well, a little to do with that. But mostly not. And you know I hate Alaska. I'm a hothouse flower. All that's bearable. Everything else is bearable. I just didn't want to lose you to it - the thought of that was driving me crazy."

And of course he hadn't let on, because he'd still rather lose Tommy than risk influencing him to leave the Program. Of all the stupid, self-sacrificing -

Tommy couldn't tell whether he wanted to kiss Lin silly or shake him. Possibly both. He settled for putting his hands on Lin's shoulders and he'd meant to let go but Lin was so warm and his startled happiness was so intoxicating that he couldn't fathom losing it.

"Just in case it was still unclear: you're not going to lose me to anything. I don't know how many ways I have to say it but I'll keep saying it until you believe me."

Lin opened his mouth; closed it again. For once he seemed to be out of words. Finally, he said, very softly, "okay. Good."

"You must have known, though. How - how I - "

Especially since Tommy seemed to have been the last person in Alaska to figure it out. Lin had finely tuned instincts when it came to threads he could pull; fat chance of him missing something like that.

"Maybe a bit," Lin admittedly baldly. "But I'm not so arrogant as to think I could be more important to you than the Program, than being a Ranger. That's how I got you in the first place. Dangling the one thing you wanted most in the world. Wasn't anything about me."

"That's not true," Tommy said, horrified.

Lin rolled his eyes. "Now you're just lying."

"I'm not. I'm just really, really obtuse and it's embarrassing that everyone else had it figured out before I did, so can we not dwell on that?"

"You had to have known how I felt," Lin insisted. As close to annoyed as he ever sounded. "I never tried to hide it from the day we met."

"You're like that with everyone," said Tommy. He was wincing before the words were fully out of his mouth.

Thankfully, Lin just sniggered. "Careful."

"I don't mean that in a bad way! I just. I didn't realize. What, since day one?"

"Yes, since day one. I was _always_ \- what, did you I think I'd do all that for anyone?"

"Yes," Tommy said honestly.

Lin shook his head. "I'm not that nice. Remember the first test? I deliberately pushed myself out of alignment and re-lived _that_. I made myself look bad in front of Steve for you."

That had been the beginning of all of it for them, pattern-forming in both good ways and bad. Tommy recoiling at the first sign of connection and Lin determinedly pushing past every obstacle in whichever way he could and somehow they'd always managed to meet in the middle.

"You did. And I was so stuck inside my own head I almost didn't notice. You know what you do to people. I had no idea how to handle you or any of it."

Still didn't, really.

Lin grinned. "You did fine. Trust me."

"You went easy on me," Tommy said ruefully.

"That's not - it's not like that," Lin said, and he cupped Tommy's face, caressed the line of his jaw. He touched Tommy as if Tommy was precious, breakable, and the more careful he was the more Tommy felt the touch like a brand. "You know how I get when I want something. But I couldn't do that with this. That'd be unimaginably gross. I'd never be okay with it even if you were. I just...needed you to get here first."

Lin smiled so bright it scrunched up his face and made crescents of his eyes. Smile lines that Tommy wanted to taste, if only he could say what he needed to say.

"Took me a long fucking time. I just...couldn't look at it directly, because I didn't know how to untangle my own head. You take up so much space up here, it's hard to separate out the parts."

Lin leaned in slowly so that their noses brushed and he blocked out everything else, Tommy's world reduced to the flutter of long lashes against his cheek, Lin's warm hands cradling his jaw. He kissed Tommy's forehead, soft brush of his lips over Tommy's eyelids. Tommy laughed and flinched away.

Lin tutted. "Close your eyes."

"I don't want to. What if you disappear in a puff of smoke?"

Felt kind of - teenage, in the best way. Reckless and carefree and unafraid.

"I'm not gonna do that, weirdo. Don't run away on me."

"I won't," Tommy promised, and shut his eyes.

Lin's hands threading through his hair, careful, smoothing out tangles as he went. Tommy bit back something that might've been close to a purr. Rub of stubble against his cheek - that was weird. Not bad weird, though, and then Lin's warm mouth was on his. Not tentative, not at all.

Turned out that Lin kissed the same way he did everything else - with terrifying analytical focus barely masked by enthusiasm and passion. Like he was trying to steal Tommy's soul, slow and unrelenting and filthy-sweet, as easy as if this was their hundredth kiss.

Time ceased to be a concept. Tommy's bones melted.

His mouth felt bruised, his chest and back hot and over-sensitive where Lin's calloused fingertips had wandered. Like he was mapping out territory for future exploration, Tommy thought, and had to bite back a laugh.

"Well. I guess that answers that."

Lin's self-satisfied smirk made Tommy want to bite the curve of his mouth and then he realized he could and felt unreasonably pleased with himself and the world in general. Lin let out a soft, pleased noise at the bite, and Tommy did it again, harder, just to hear that sound again, another chance at etching it into his memory.

Lin gently tapped him back, stripped off his undershirt, and none of this was new but he'd never let himself _look_ and now he couldn't tear his eyes away. Lin, noticing, smiled wider and wicked; he took Tommy's hands and placed them on his chest.

Tommy hadn't really let himself imagine what it'd be like, and if he had, his brain wouldn't have been able to come up with anything like this - Lin's soft eyes with the pupils blown huge and dark, feathery hair a mess, soft and silky to the touch; his skin flushed and golden. Tommy kept his hands light as they glided over the mess of scar tissue on Lin's upper back, watching his face, but Lin arched with delighted little murmurs into every touch.

Tommy wanted so much it paralyzed him into indecision.

Lin giggled. "You're being very obvious."

"Is that a complaint?"

"No, I encourage it. Be more obvious. Use your words. What do you like? You seem like the type to stuff your fist in your mouth rather than make a single sound. Actually, different question. What do you want? Anywhere specific you want me to put my mouth? I liked kissing you, I liked that a lot. I like reactions you can't help. Loss of control. That's fun for me."

"Oh my god," Tommy said.

"You can't be surprised."

Tommy rolled them over to save the last scrap of his sanity. Lin went happily boneless with Tommy's weight holding him down, smiled and rolled his hips and swallowed Tommy's startled moan in a kiss, messy and slow and perfect.

"Stay there." Tommy said. Wondered if he sounded as breathless as he felt. "Just - let me."

"Whatever you say," Lin said, in something close to the sweet voice that scared Bill, and tilted his head back, baring the curve of his neck.

He trembled when Tommy applied himself there, delicately pulling skin between his teeth, licking down to where he could feel Lin's pulse, steady as a drum. He smelled like Tommy's soap.

"Oh fuck. Little more teeth. That's perfect. You can leave marks if you want, Vanessa doesn't mind - "

He would've kept on going; Tommy caught the rest of the words on his tongue, and Lin huffed out something close to a laugh before he relaxed into it, lifted his hips without prompting for Tommy to slide his boxers down. His cock hard and hot and slick in Tommy's hand, and he moaned unabashed when Tommy tried an experimental stroke.

"I had - plans, you know. You're not - oh - not being very helpful."

Tommy made himself stop with an act of will. "I'm all ears."

"You motherfucker," Lin said, in the tone of someone considering vengeance. His calloused fingertips spread across Tommy's belly, skimming over the knife scar, pressing harder when Tommy sighed at the touch.

He tugged at the wristband of Tommy's boxers. "Off."

"Demanding," Tommy chided.

He'd have gone on but Lin trailed nimble fingers down his cock through the thin cotton, stole the rest of his words, and grinned to see him gasping and silent. "You like it. C'mon, move."

Persuasive argument, powerfully presented. Tommy shifted onto his side and let Lin roll his boxers down.

Nimble fingers circling the head of his cock, and he had to bite his lip hard against an embarrassing whine. Too much, too soon, they'd barely touched; he shouldn't be flying apart so quickly.

"Yes? No? Thoughts?" Lin said.

Little frown of concentration between his brows, like Tommy's pleasure was a puzzle he was determined to solve.

"Definitely yes," Tommy gasped. 

Lin got up onto his knees and bent down to kiss Tommy's stomach, the juts of his hipbones. Flicked a glance up at Tommy through his ridiculous eyelashes.

"Feel free to give detailed feedback," he said, and smiled. Lin had a thousand different smiles and Tommy would've sworn he knew them all but he'd never seen a showstopper like this one, half-lidded and hungry and with his color high and _intent_ curving his mouth.

"I'm - not much of a talker," Tommy managed, dazed.

"We'll work on that," Lin said, and bent down.

 

*

 

Took Tommy a good while, after, to put the scattered pieces of his brain back together. Shame that he'd have limited future prospects as a puddle. Worth it, though.

"I think," Tommy started, once he regained the ability to form words. His voice came out hoarse, and he belatedly remembered just how bad the sound-proofing was in the dorms. Nope, still didn't care. "I think you broke me. I need a reboot."

Beside him, Lin broke into giggles. He pulled himself up to half-sitting and grinned down at Tommy, radiating smug. "You said not to go easy on you."

"That wasn't a complaint," Tommy said. "I can't emphasize enough how much that wasn't a complaint." 

"Good. C'mon, shower." Lin leaned over, grabbed his wrist comm off the bedside counter and checked the display. "We're being summoned. And yes, that means you too."

"Of course," Tommy murmured, in lieu of his first reaction, which was that he now appreciated Vanessa more than ever before and would do just about anything for her.

Lin raided Tommy's closet for his entire outfit.

 

*

 

The half-empty mess hall cheered their entrance. Not the first time for that - they'd come back from the defense of Manila to a reception befitting a rock star - but it felt odd to be cheered for saying a few words.

Tommy accepted a surreal number of pats on the back and mutters of _thanks for fighting for us, man_. Lin thanked everyone they talked to by name for turning up to the service.

"I'd vote for you," someone called out.

Tommy was close enough to see Lin wince, and then cover it with a laugh. "Let's not get ahead of ourselves."

"If it's what you're called to do, you should do it," said Javier. His voice was quiet, but somehow it cut clean across the chatter.

Lin bowed his head in Javier's direction. "I hear you. But whatever it is, I'm not doing it before coffee."

Javier cracked a smile and toasted Lin with his own cup, and everyone went back to minding their own business.

Lin nudged Tommy and pointed out Vanessa tucked away at a corner table. "Go ahead. I'll be there in a sec."

He found Vanessa frowning down at her tablet, seemingly oblivious to the world.

"Mind if I join you?" Tommy asked.

She looked up at his approach, pulled out the chair next to her and tapped the back. "Go ahead. I'm not ignoring you. I'm just not human before coffee."

"I'll remember that for next time," Tommy promised. That earned him a narrow-eyed look, even though he could've sworn he sounded no different.

Thankfully, a metal tray thumped down on the table before she could start grilling him. Lin bent and kissed her good morning. "Gee, Brain, what do you want to do today?"

Tommy laughed helplessly while Vanessa cracked a bleary smile. "The same thing we do everyday, Pinky - try to take over the world."

Lin nodded like she'd passed some sort of test and presented her with a cup. "Yep. Here's your coffee, babe."

"You are so fucking weird," Tommy said.

"If you've just noticed that now, we're going to have some issues," Vanessa declared into her coffee.

"No, I - it's good," Tommy said hastily.

Lin looked between them with equal parts amusement and exasperation. "He makes you look effusive," he sighed, dropping down into the seat opposite Vanessa and downing half his (no doubt disgusting) coffee in one go.

Vanessa laughed so hard she had to put her own cup down. "So? What's the verdict?"

"It's not obvious?" Lin grinned.

Vanessa shrugged. "I don't know, you're not acting any different."

"Feels obvious," Tommy muttered, half under his breath, which made Vanessa muffle a snicker against her fist, and Lin acquired a look like a cat that had eaten an entire nest of canaries.

"Tommy's not gonna leave me!"

"Phrasing," Vanessa said.

"You know what I mean," said Lin, entirely unrepentant. "Hey, Tommy. How many impossible things before breakfast this morning?"

Tommy's near-perfect memory called up his fuzzy, rose-tinted image of the night before their final deployment, when he'd asked Lin the same question.

"My God, you nerds," Vanessa said, delighted.

"I don't think six would fly in this room," Lin continued. "I'm surrounded by skeptics."

Tommy wasn't one for believing in the impossible. He just wasn't a fanciful kind of person, and none of it appealed until the day he'd seen two Jaegers take on a storybook monster and fell in love with the idea and spent years chasing it.

Except that wasn't what he'd been chasing, not really.

Lin held out his hands across the table, one to each of them. "Lemme try for three. One, Godzilla is real. Two, we can punch it."

Vanessa looked like she was torn between laughing and rolling her eyes, and Tommy mirrored her, but they both took his hands.

Lin's happiness overwhelmed the drafty, loud mess hall; they could've been on a stage or in a ballroom, or in their Jaeger. His eyes shone and the rest of the room fell away.

"Three, you love me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you who are familiar with the film Pacific Rim, the next chapter is an optional little epilogue that connects the two more firmly. Call it a possible future.
> 
>   1. ["Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."](http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/9467-alice-laughed-there-s-no-use-trying-she-said-one-can-t)
>   2. [The beat's goin' but we keep goin' cuz we know](https://genius.com/Lin-manuel-miranda-heights-cool-musical-too-lyrics#note-8267480)  
>  We movin' and provin' to [Michael Riedel](http://cbrownjc.tumblr.com/post/144891855469/did-you-see-riedels-latest-still-grudging-still)  
>  We can have a hit show about Latino people
>   3. "Lin is very very diplomatic to work with...if I said something completely asinine, you wouldn't move, you wouldn't say anything, you'd just stare at me, and I came to sort of dread those moments..." - [Ron Chernow](http://stickmarionette.tumblr.com/post/151973301477/clip-from-the-national-archives-foundations-2016)
>   4. Lin talks about how he bonded with Tommy over Biggie in the [NYT music podcast](https://artsbeat.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/09/25/lin-manuel-miranda-discusses-how-hip-hop-influenced-him-and-hamilton/).
>   5. Speaking of which, [this is how I always pictured Lin in this 'verse](http://stickmarionette.tumblr.com/post/157899442194/keepingupwithlinmanuel-lin-manuel-miranda-by-jeff).
>   6. Knight Errant is so called because of something Tommy once said about the nature of being a director, comparing it to a knight errant wandering around and looking for a cause to serve.
>   7. [He's playing chess, not checkers](https://twitter.com/Lin_Manuel/status/736240030033797120).
>   8. Many thanks to my beta reader shihadchick who picked up many many non-American usages among other things and was the best enthusiast a writer could hope for. You said 'more Jaeger pilots!' and I did...this. I hope that's okay?
>   9. Finally: I can't believe we're here! Thank you for reading and for all your kind words. You made it fun. I hope you have half as many feelings about this as I did writing it.
>   10. For those of you who aren't here from Tumblr: I'm stickmarionette there too. I also run [keepingupwithlinmanuel](https://keepingupwithlinmanuel.tumblr.com/), if you're into that sort of thing.
> 



	7. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cancelling the apocalypse.

Raleigh eventually got around to asking.

"What happened to - uh, who else was there...Lin and Tommy?"

Pentecost gave him one of those inscrutable looks. "You didn't ask before."

"I didn't want to know."

"Not dead."

Raleigh breathed a sigh of relief. "Why not ask them?"

"I can't. Miranda can't enter Drift, for one."

"Fuck."

Of course Pentecost already tried. If he went as far as to dig Raleigh out of his hole...

"Last time we spoke, Kail told me Miranda's doing well, but getting in a Jaeger's out of the question."

"What about Kail? Sounds like he can still do it."

"He comes with Miranda. They're a package deal. Plus, they're busy."

"Doing what?"

"You are out of the loop." Pentecost flicked on the nearest screen, hit the news feed. "Let's see...here we go."

  

> _"...here we have an administration that actually bragged about defunding the PPDC. Actively making us less safe. That's not speculation - we've all seen how well the Wall of Life worked out in Sydney. And that was exactly as predicted by the best research available. The only thing that prevented more loss of life was a Jaeger."_
> 
> _"Senator, can you comment on the rumors that preparations are under way at the only remaining Shatterdome in Hong Kong for some sort of final assault?"_
> 
> _"Sadly, I don't get those briefings anymore, so I know as much as you do, and all I can say is that the people working there are some of the best I know and I wish them victory."_
> 
> _"We just heard from Lin-Manuel Miranda, the junior senator from New York, speaking at a press conference ahead of a rally for the Democratic presidential campaign…"_

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. Feedback is eagerly appreciated. Come talk to me about idiots in love.


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